Depressed Manics' Daily Details

2007-07-03T12:21:00.000+08:00

Pada suatu masa di zaman kita yg serba moden ini ada seekor Babi Jantan (BJ) dan seekor Babi Betina (BB) yg bertugas di NES. Si BJ ni selalu menyebelahi si BB walau apa pun salah yg dia buat. Kena complen teruk teruk pun si BJ ni cover... gerammmm keje ngan ni dua ekor...

Si BB ni apa lagi.. besar kepala lah ..buat apa yg dia suka .. keje memilih dan tak ambik berat. Consignee request sume dia ambil sambil lewa aje.. Yg teruk kena layan cnee yg tak mahu liase ngan si BB ni aku lah jugak!! terkejar sana sini nak meet cnee demands ..sume carik aku .. abis si BB duk rileks surf net main game ..sms ngan bebual ngan members.. mcm eyal seh..

Si BB makin hari makin besar kepala ..oleh sebab terlalu dimanjakan oleh si BJ, dia takde rasa tanggungjawab langsung walaupun dia tau yg dia ada buat salah besar... keje asal boleh aje cukup time kol 5 balik..

sekarang si Babi Betina ni dah makin berani .. at tis point, you are challenging me directly and trying to show kau nyer besar kan?? ok we just wait n see... kalau si BJ menangkan kau jugak dlm kes ni, tgk aje lah aku nyer loktang naik ...Nak tgk sgt aku naik angin kan? siap lah kau puting berliung ribut taufan akan dtg!!

Sakit mata n sakit hati hari hari bila kat keje .. seriously contemplating looking for greener pastures... erghhhh!!! darah up hari hari gini ar!!

2007-06-30T00:23:00.000+08:00

Ok ..I self declare myself hooked on Korean Dramas and movies now .. Thanks to Ms Dynamite who started me off on Princess Hours..

My current obsession?? 200 Pounds Beauty..romantic comedy that touches on inner beauty and self confidence... Just the rite movie when I am feeling down?? Mebbe..mebbe not..

I just love the Korean version of Maria originally by Blondie ..Enjoy the video...

Download this video

2007-06-26T16:08:00.001+08:00

They are all that matters now...we dun anymore ...

For a moment I forgot who I was and where I stood and started again on my ridiculous dreams and requests..I forgot these wishes were forever out of my reach .. I forgot I had accepted the life I am leading now with only my own willingness and have to pay for the price of my choice..

Forgive me ...becos for a moment there, I tried to make these wishes come true.. I forgot to stop dreaming ...

2007-06-05T11:25:00.000+08:00

It doesn't seem like me but when the situation arises that you need to be there for someone, to be the one they ask for opinions and advise, you summon your memories, be it good or bad.. you tell them wateva u feel based on your own experience whenever possible.

nobody wants bad experiences in life lah but there is where we learn, grow and develop our character .. kita ni manusia merancang yg terbaik dlm hidup kita tapi Tuhan yg menentukan.even if you feel this is your retribution, dun fret atau mengeluh about it ... instead, make it work ..if not for yourself but for your loved ones.

we are given challenges to test kekuatan iman kita n our endurance .. at times the tests reli seems too much for us to handle but Allah reli won't test us beyond our means. He knows you are strong enuff to face His challenges.It's up to you how you face it and how you summon your Faith to overcome it ..

When we do overcome them, the satisfaction is reli overwhelming. But rasa bersyukur that it's all over and done with and that you suddenly feel glad you made it, it's all worth it. Everything happens for a reason.. A reason written longgggg before this earth even existed.

I ever saw a rainbow.. and tot, when will my rainbow come? For I felt that i have been thru too much rain..so much so that I was so soaked in my own emotions and problems I simply wasn't able to see beyond it and see that my rainbow was there after all, just waiting for me to notice.

Mebbe rite now I am sitting atop my rainbow, the rainbow I had chased for so long. Am I truly happy now? Sadly not truly.. for now that I am rite on top, I see others in the rain, struggling to find their rainbow just like I once was.I wish now that I was there with them to guide n help them see their rainbow. But alas, from where I am, I can only help from afar. I wish this is enuff but I know it is not.

I wanna reach out but the length of my arms can only extend that far. I hope that they too, will soon realize that. That no matter how many hands reach out to help, its only your own that will grab your rainbow becos that rainbow will belong to you and only you.

2007-05-29T12:47:00.000+08:00

I've once said I pray hard that those close to me and whom I love so dearly will never have to go thru what I have gone thru. It was hard enuf for me to struggle thru life then .

Now, I am helplessly watching 2 of my closest frens going thru what I have gone thru ... God! it rekindles bad memories and hurt. Its even more worst cos I have been there n done that so I know exactly how they feel. Its as tho I m going thru everything all over again..

I feel so helpless .. I wish I can do more than just give them my moral support n try my best to be there for them at all times. I can't sleep at nite thinking abt them. One of them told me mine wasn't tat bad compared to her plight now. Well, my fren mebbe to you but I have gone thru exactly what you are going thru now. mebbe worst but my fate seems to have changed and I am grateful for that.

I look at them and my tears wanna flow but I need to be strong for them too. Just as they need to be strong for themselves. Cos no matter how many frens there are ard you, you are the one facing the problems. You go back alone to the house that you dread going home to. So be strong. if not for yourselves, for the lil ones who love you. Cos no matter how much advise and opinions people give you, the decision is still up to you. Be prepared to face wateva consequences your decision will result in. Its your life, its up to you to change it. But even if u do decide to grin n bear it, u know we will always be here for u.

Doa mereka yg dianiya tu akan dikabulkan Tuhan. InsyAllah. Pray everyday every min in your heart for His guidance, for Him to give you strength. Thats wat I did. Alhamdulillah .. everything seems fine now.

2007-05-28T12:59:00.000+08:00

Its been a month since my birthday has passed. Wasn't expecting anything when I asked hubby along for late nite shopping last Sat. He immediately went to the Camera section and asked me to choose which ones I liked. Was torn btw the Oly and Sony. Upon hubby's insistence, I chose this:

But I sayang my Oly which is now lying quietly in my new wardrobe. haiz.. A new battery pack would have done the trick I guess..Anyways thanks hubby for the gift. I loike very much ...Guess which colour I chose??

Yahooo!! I can finally relive my cam whoring days!!!

2007-05-22T12:18:00.000+08:00

Happy birthday hubby!!! May you be blessed with all of life's best and happiness... Also a birthday shoutout to my good buddy Izan.Happy birthday babe!!!

I tot I would be more free to update regularly but I was wrong. Work is piling up everyday except for today miraculously ... mebbe cos the Canon project has been temporarily suspended.A good thing?? May not be ... now my sales are fighting hard to regain this project. Even my MD n GM are personally involved now. Lucky I am not the one who screwed it up ...

Anyways, I am suffering from boredom at work .. used to be able to pass the time by chatting with the mummies but now that MSN has been banned, I am my wits end.. Frens, if you pity me, go and download Skype and chat with me lah ...uwahhh..pathetic eh?? erkekekek

I haven't been logging into Multiply either so I am pretty sure I missed out on a lot of stuff ... Haiz .. still waiting for the reno to be completed. Classic Ideas Reno co sucks big time .. my MIL was saying, why never take the companies that advert on TV?? I say ya lar ... this one TV one lor!! Dun mean they are on TV they are good ok .. even Hijrah Kindergarten that actively adverts and sponsors Krayon suck big time... Has the money to sponsor the show but never pay the transport co their due. To think every month we pay the bus fees faithfully..

Overwhelmed with so many things rite now but overall, I am happy ... new situations bring forth new probs .. haiz takde duit lain probs bila dah ada duit lain probs plak yg mendtg seh .. I dunno lah .. I am at a loss ...I just believe that my trust and faith in my fren will not proof me wrong no matter what hubby or people say ..

2007-05-15T16:38:00.000+08:00

So I have gone missing for sometime now.. it's a longggg story which I will relate later ...

As for now, certain parts of my life is getting better and I am, Alhamdullillah happier.

But there are certain parts that are getting worst and I really can't bear to face it anymore.Not having much choices, I have to grin and bear it for at least another 8 months.

Life is now miserable at work and terribly boring. I am much more busy with the new Canon project which somehow became my "Baby". It's made even more worst with the company blocking all means of MSN chats. Haiz bosan sungguh hidup ku ... The idiots dun know that I dun just use MSN for chatting with my frens but also for me to liase with certain customers and koligs so that we can cut down on the phone calls which can be stressful for us.. What to do?

I'll stop for now but it seems I might be updating quite regularly here now. If anyone ever drops by ehre anymore that is hehehehe ..

Doa seorang Isteri

2007-02-23T11:06:00.000+08:00

Ya Allah Ya Rahman Ya Rahim
Kau ampunilah dosa ku yg telah ku perbuat
Kau limpahkanlah aku dengan kesabaran yg tiada terbatas
Kau berikanlah aku kekuatan mental dan fisikal
Kau kurniakanlah aku dengan sifat keredhaan
Kau peliharalah lidahku dari kata-kata nista
Kau kuatkanlah semangatku menempuhi segala cabaranMu
Kau berikanlah aku sifat kasih sesama insan

Ya Allah
Sekiranya suami ku ini adalah pilihanMu diArash
Berilah aku kekuatan dan keyakinan untuk terus bersamanya
Sekiranya suami ku ini adalah suami yang akan membimbing
tanganku dititianMu
Kurniakanlah aku sifat kasih dan redha atas segala perbuatannya
Sekiranya suami ku ini adalah bidadara untuk ku di Jannah Mu
Limpahkanlah aku dgn sifat tunduk dan tawaduk akan segala
perintahnya
Sekiranya suami ku ini ada yang terbaik untukku dia DuniaMu
Peliharalah tinmgkah laku serta kata kata ku dari menyakiti
perasaannya
Sekiranya suami ku ini jodoh yang dirahmati olehMu
Berilah aku kesabaran untuk menghadapi segala kerenah dan
ragamnya

Tetapi Ya Allah
Sekiranya suami ku ini ditakdirkan bukan untuk diriku seorang
Kau tunjukkanlah aku jalan yg terbaik untuk aku harungi segala
dugaanMu
Sekiranya suami ku tergoda dgn keindahan duniaMu
Limpahkanlah aku kesabaran untuk terus membimbingnya
Sekiranya suami ku tunduk terhadap nafsu yg melalaikan
Kurniakanlah aku kekuatanMu untuk aku memperbetulkan
keadaanya
Sekiranya suami ku menyintai kesesatan
Kau pandulah aku untuk menarik dirinya keluar dari terus terlena

Ya Allah
Kau yang Maha Mengetahui apa yg terbaik untukku
Kau juga yang Maha Mengampuni segala kesilapan dan
keterlanjuranku
Sekiranya aku tersilap berbuat keputusan
Bimbinglah aku ke jalan yang Engkau redhai
Sekiranya aku lalai dlm tanggungjawabku sebagai isteri
Kau hukumlah aku didunia tapi bukan di akhiratMu
Sekiranya aku engkar dan derhaka
Berikanlah aku petunjuk kearah rahmatMu

Ya Allah sesungguhnya
Aku lemah tanpa petunjukMu
Aku buta tanpa bimbinganMu
Aku cacat tanpa hidayahMu
Aku hina tanpa RahmatMu

Ya Allah
Kuatkanlah hati dan semangatku
Tabahkanlah aku menghadapi segala cubaanMu
Jadikanlah aku isteri yg disenangi suami
Bukakanlah hatiku untuk menghayati agamaMu
Bimbinglah aku menjdai isteri soleha
Hanya padaMu Ya Allah ku pohon segala harapan
Kerana aku pasrah dgn dugaanMu
Kerana aku sedar hinanya aku
Kerana aku insan lemah yg kerap keliru
Kerana aku leka dgn keindahan duniaMu
Kerana kurang kesabaran ku menghadapi cabaranMu
Kerana pendek akal ku mengharungi ujianMu

Ya Allah Ya Tuhanku…
Aku hanya ingin menjadi isteri yang dirahmati
Isteri yang dikasihi
Isteri yang soleha
Isteri yang sentiasa dihati

Amin, aman Ya Rabbal Allamin

2006-12-26T22:17:00.000+08:00

Was on leave since Friday..syiokness I tell ya.. What did I do? ok here goes..

Friday: Hairdo at Derek's with marcie. Hair colour ? Done!Tat Derek not bad ar.. few mths nvr go his shop now expanded already.good good..Then went down to town cos marcie wanted to get some stuff and met up with Ratna. Wat do u get when 3 women meet up? Chatter and lafter and shopping galoreee!! habis sudah harta aku ..cheh mcm byk jer heheh

Saturday: Swimming session with the cousins and geng. Photos? I nvr take.Was too busy enjoying myself. Click here for the photos from my cousin. Warning!! May need eye repair after viewing hehehe

Sunday: BBQ at lin's abode. Photos? No haf cos again, I was too busy having fun. Dah mcm chilcare seh with the kids running around. Ngan the babies lagi..mcm nak pitam..every year makin increase the of kids in our group.hehe photos with yani so wait long long lah f0r her to upload heheh

Monday: Stayed at home whole day. MIL came over with food!! Rojak mamak and satay!! moi fave. She's staying over till Wednesday.

Tuesday: At home again cos nvr stopped raining since Monday nite. Went to Apit's school to purchase his school books. then went to NTUC to purchase some BBQ steamboat stuff. had BBQ steamboat for dinner . Yummy ..

So there goes my long weekend. Gotto work tomolo. haiya.. a lil draggy but hey only 3 days of work before another longgg weekend!! yahhoooo!!

2006-12-17T23:44:00.000+08:00

Havent been anywhere this weekend.My schedule's full just by being at home.But it's ok ..had fun entertaining the boys.I have a longggg weekend planned next week. Can't wait for it. It ain't so bad staying at home. Mum decide to have her own BBQ rite here at home in our own kitchen. I mean a real BBQ ok with charcoals and all.

It was ok initially but after a while the house filled up with smoke.erekekek terrible seh.. Apit was crying cos his eyes smarted with the smoke. Aide was asleep so the smoke didn't bother him much. I was more concerned that the neighbours would call the fire brigade hehe. So we quickly finihsed up wat we had to BBQ and just sat down chit chatting munching on our food. Never mind will have a real BBQ at aide's birthday celebration next year. Won't be long now so aunties standby your pressies erkekek especially thoose JAN aunties..

Today, I had many "visitors" since 11am in the morning. Was surprised that one fo the "visitors" was my old schoolmate Syed with his fiance. Anjat kejap when he walked in. Padahal the nite before baru bebual kat MSN. hehe we'll see how things goes lah eh ..

I was on rajin mood today so cooked up some Sugee. Konon nak beat the Changi Village super delicious Ramiza'a Sugee ar.. Well not bad for my first try but hmm I think I can do better next time. Still can be improved heheh

4 more days of work before I embark on my Nanie day. erkekek Once a year jer dpt Nanie day tau .. excited nyerrrr.,...

2006-12-15T16:50:00.000+08:00

Reached almost 9pm after doing some OT. Was watching Prison break when I tot I was hungry and wanted somethingto munch. So just cooked up a simple dish. ried butter prawns. hehehe and just merata like tat .. ok lah at least not so heavy even tho Prawns are quite high in Cholestrol .

Ok today will be the day I shall bring my darling home. hehe can't wait to meet him. Miss him so much already. Just hearing and talking to him over the phone everyday dun help much, only makes me miss him more.

Before that, it 's Fantastic Fondue Friday today!! meeting up the girls for some lonnngggg overdue fondue! Yum Yum.. Also to celebrate marcies's bday. Belated lah of cos. heheh. Can't wait to meet them for more hilarious moments.

Come back for update on our meet up... tata

2006-12-14T08:27:00.000+08:00

Been hiding in a corner somewhere planning my attack, deciding what is the best way to slaughter and kill. Total termination!!!

Kwa kwa kwa..no lah just been busy at werk.I had so many things to write about but rite now I dun even know where to start. The beginning of ths week has been crazy. People I was dependant on played me out. Darn! It's ok ah mebbe I was at fault too. Seems like people who do their job unprofessionally won't get far. Should have heeded hubby's advice. Hopefully the team of Darryl, Nik and Raymond will do the job.

So, on another note, this week and next will be full. Apit is away at his Nyai's place till end of this week so I am taking the chance to do more OT and meet up with my girlfriends while I can. Those who are willing to meet up anyways which are the usual lot like Yani, Ida and Marcie. Seems like they are the only ones always there for me. It dun have to be dinner at power packed places or even coffee at prestigous places lah. Duk kopitiam pun aku happy lor. Oh we dun need to be driven around either to meet up so dun have to worry about where to park or how to get there hehehe.

It takes up all kinds of people to make up this world dun you think? People who seems to be happy always going out with friends all around yet you sense that they are lonely. Going home to nothing. I realized that even though I am not well off, I have my family. I go home to my two boys and my mum. At least there's something to look forward to at home rather than just face the 4 walls . Even if you have many friends, everyone at one point, will have their own family commitments to take care of first. Where will you be then? Sitting away at a corner tapping away on your PC/laptop, dreading to go home cos there's nothing to go home to. It's a pitiful sight dun you think? Else you put yourself on such a high pedestral you can't afford to tilt even at the slighest angle. The slighest cracks irks you and makes you go haywire.

Criticism is supposed to be a building material. Learn from them and better yourself with it yet there are people who get so defensive about it. Getting all flustered and over reacting. Drama Mama you tell me? Hehehe I haven't used this term for a long time. Seems like someone new is taking over this title now. Deception; you tell me to what level should it be used? To friends? business associates? Just a simple rule ok .. one lie leads to another and soon your little white lie will turn into a big huge one. Where do you draw the line then? Telling different people different sides of the story only reflects badly on yourself. When these people get together and innocently trade stories, the truth will come out won't it?

I hate people who play other people out especially if that person is something close to me. Trust once lost is so darn difficult to be earned back you know. I've been there..Well, you learn about such people as the time goes by. All I can do is to stay away. I have my own life to take care of. My own shit to deal with. Can' be bothered much with others.

Funny how you think your life is bad yet in front of you, you see people who are more pathetic than you even though they put up a pretty picture. And then you think, hey, my life ain't that bad after all. erkeke

2006-12-07T13:09:00.000+08:00

My family is not like other families who get to spend quality time every weekend. Hubby has been on shift work eversince forever, even before I knew him. There are times when I won't get to see hubby up to 3-4 days at a stretch due to our different working times. Can be very frustrating I tell ya.

Pity Apit who is on school holidays yet we can't bring him out much. All I did was to buy him workbooks for him to practice on to prepare for his K1 next year and colouring books to occupy his time. He was especially very happy when his cousin slept over for a few days and he played like there was no tomorrow. They ate, played and slept together. Dah mcm belangkas seh.

This week, I took every opportunity to take Apit out when hubby had an off day even if it was on a weekday and I had to rush thru my work to meet them after work.

First it was to NY Pizza to fulfill Apit's cravings of having pizza. I brought them to my usual spot with the girls. We had our delicious dinner and I can see Apit too enjoyed himself.

Then we headed for dinner again last nite . This time Apit really enjoyed himself.There a Christmas display that blew giant bubbles every few minutes. Apit went crazy chasing after the bubbles and popping them and we walked around the shopping centre. Had our dinner and Apit insisted we take some pictures with the displays and his all time fave our lampu lap lip as he calls them .

No more outings for Apit after last nite. He will be staying over at his Nyai's for a week! A whole week I tell ya I am gonna miss him soooooooooooo much. I took leave during the Christmas period so that I can bring both boys out for that long festive weekend. It shall be our lil mini holiday in Singapore. I hope he will enjoy himself and remember these moments as sweet memories.I hope he will remember that even tho I wasn't able to bring him on any overseas trip nor buy him expensive toys or bring him out every weekend like any other kids would do with their family, at least he would know that I still love him and have good memories of his young time with his Ibu n Ayah.

InsyAllah, son, one day, Ibu will be able to do all the things I was unable to do with you. I won't let you feel inferior to your friends. I may not furnish your life with luxuries but I strive to fill it with happines and sweet memories.

On another note, I received 2 good news this morning. Alhamdulillah, our lives will soon change and we will achieve the dreams that we have put on hold for so long now.

2006-12-05T12:11:00.000+08:00

This might be the darkest gloomiest period in my life. Everything seems bleak and no more hope. Yet there is a flicker of comfort and strangely enuff, I sense a lil happiness in my heart. I wonder why.

It's ok. I guess I am used to it by now. I know there will be sunshine soon enuff. My world won't always be gloomy and dowdy. Perseverance and patience will have to be my main strength for now.

It's ok if you know and realize where you stand and who stands by you in such times. Just dun forget those who stood by you in times of needs. Forsake them not when you are home free.

I need a rest. Time for a nap. Or mebbe just a walk down by the beach with a Mr Softee in my hands, feeling the seabreeze thru my hair. Hmm think I might just do that seeing Changi beach is just minutes away. Why not? see ya....

2006-12-04T15:57:00.000+08:00

At this point of time..... all I can feel is...

SLEEPINESS!!!!! Ergghhhhh work has been completed considerably. There's more to be done but am leaving it for the end of the day. need a lil bit of OT for the year end expenses.hehehe
I wish I am at home comfy under the comforter and warmth of my darlings.

Writer's block impending badly on my brain. I can only think of ZZZZzzZZZzzzzzzzZZZZz..

2006-12-01T13:23:00.000+08:00

Ok! It's that time of the year.. people talking about bonues and what they are gonna shop with the bonus. I think it's time I lock myself up in my house lah. Seeing people shop here and there make me heart pain onli lah. Haiz..Can't wait for my turn. Sabar menanti jer lah. For now, telan air liur aje. I know there will be my turn where I shall a go at shopping without thinking even once about spending the money. ya man!! in my dreams.

I know I am not that sort of person. I will not spend money unnecessarily like that. Even when I do have money, I will think if the stuff is worth the money and if I will fully utilize it. My most expensive jeans to date was my Levi's jeans. That's all. My most expensive buy? My laptop.

I dunno lah eh, I guess I will never be that shopaholic I want to. A good thing lah I think hehe. kalau tak, pokai ler gue.I would rather have one bag and use it till dah koyak rabak rather than buy every bag I set my eyes on. No matter how cheap or much much discount it is on. The money can be spent on my kids and the house.

But of cos, lain ah crita kalau orang ada spare moolah. I guess I dun have to match everything with everything else. Bankrupt gitu nanti. Mebe a few variety of each like bag, shoes shirts and pants will do. As long as I can mix and match. That's be enuff for me.

Anyone been to Ikea Tampines yet? erkeke ..That, I foresee will be the place I might be spending most of my money at. Danger !!! Danger!!! Keep away from Ikea!!

2006-11-27T13:20:00.000+08:00

This topic today might be a lil sensitive to some so read with an open mind oteh?

In Singapore, Malays are always being branded. Usually, associated with bad stuff. No need for me to list them down. You should know the list by now. I am not ashamed to say, I used to not mix around with Malays either. I dunno why. I just find that our Malays are not motivated enuff and that if I mixed around with them, I would not get far myself.
And I used to not like mixing with Malay girls. I can't stand the bitching around, the typical politics and the endless jealousy and envy they carry around with them.

Yet, I have to say this, Malay girls I salute. Now many of my malay girlfrens are doing well both career wise and family wise. Many, did better than I. Well, I guess my philosophy then was wrong..But the typical bitching around, jealousy and dun want to lose attitude is still there lah. I do my best not to get caught up in such things when there is a "political surge" amongst them. Hehehe. A Chinese girlfren or rather colleague once told me, "I used to not like Malay girls.(For the reasons I have stated earlier.) But you are different, you are not like the typical Malay girls I know." This is not to brag but I am glad I made a difference and changed someone's opinion of Malay girls. Cos she said, Malay girls no matter how modern still hold on to their traditional values and discipline.

That aside, one of the brands Malays used to be labeled with, is that our Malays guys are reject stuff when it comes to NS. You would find most of the guys going to the SCDF are Malays. Wonder huh? They used to do constructions and manial labour work. But I dare say these guys have made a difference while in service in the SCDF. People’s mindset of the SCDF have changed. I guess people are appreciating the SCDF better now. Now, even if a malay guy is posted to the SCDF, I won't say that they are reject stuff. SCDF's work now is as if not more important than other defence departments especially in rescue operations.

Ok, there is an incident at work last week that really upheaved all that I have just written. My work place is largely dominated by men. The number of women here can easily be counted using the fingers on my two hands. SO,being men, they will usually, openly boast about everything and anything under the sun, especially about their sexual encounters. Working here for 6 yrs has made me immune to such talk till last week.

One of the guys was showing off a video he kept in his hp. As usual, they exchange and pass the sexual videos like nobody’s business. What caught my attention was that they were talking about the girl in the video. Her name was M****, an officer with at least a SGT ranking in the SCDF doing sexual acts with the guys in SCDF in their own bunks!!!

How daring is that? How the guys knew her name? Singapore is a very very, very, very tiny lil island. Everyone knows someone who knows everyone else. So they claimed the girl is known to be active in this Malay chatsite that is quite popular in Singapore.

This is something so common nowadays. I wonder why these Malay girls are willing to degrade themselves so? They dun seem to miss a beat with the fact that these videos only show their faces and not the guys. Like a male colleague of mine said, soon the dowry of Malay girls in SG will drop to nothing. Dun these girls think that one day the videos might fall into the hands of their own family members? Is there no longer the sense of shame a Malay girl should feel? I was once naughty too(But not as bold as these girls hor!!), but I know where my limits as a girl, especially a Malay girl stands. Even though I was not as bold as these girls are, till date I am still worried my past would catch up with me and my family. I shudder to think of the consequences of the stupid things I did then would cause me and family.

I can't bear to think of how the girl's family would feel if they were to one day, see the video their daughter had taken. This had only made me think of how the women nowadays seem to have lost their morale values. Stories of how women nowadays snatching people’s husbands, fiancés and wat have yous. The finger no longer points to men alone for it seems the women are also playing a very active role in the moral decline of our society. I shudder to think of the environment my kids will be growing up in.

2006-11-24T13:34:00.000+08:00

I have a story to tell.. I reli cannot keep this in me anymore.. Be forewarned it might be related to those already dead especially to those still very much alive, although I swear I myself could have died of a heart attack during this fiasco!!!

Someone I knew went to Tampines Poly(We shall call her MTT). She was confirmed as pregnant. So the DR asked her where she would like to have her antenatals? She said KK. The Dr said. No, you dun understand, Where do you wanna go? So MTT said KK lah .. the Dr said, I can't give u a referral letter when there is nothing wrong with your pregnancy.SO MTT said, but my previous 2 kids were at KK for their antenatals. The Dr asked what was wrong with your pregnancy then? MTT was frustrated already at this point. Nothing was wrong. Both absolutely normal!Dr even said if u insist so much, you go make your own appt at KK lah, which will defits the purpose of getting a referral letter from Poly to enjoy the subsidised rates from KK.

Cut the story, Dr still refused to give MMT referral letter to KK. So the next day MTT called the Senior Nurse Manager(SNM), she say oh ok .. I will check with the Dr and revert to you.When SNM did call WTT back she said, we cannot give u a referral letter unless there is abnormality with your pregnancy. But if you insist, we will give you, BUT KK will charge u under privatised rates of A class wards!

When MTT related all this to me, I was so angry! They have caused MTT undue stress and also misleading the patients. So I called SNM myself and checked with her what was happening. She said, we can only refer to KK if there is abnormality. Other than that antenatal will be at Poly till about 32 weeks then we refer you to Poly. So I said, why is it other Polys can do it, you can't?It's up to the patient to choose where she wants her antenatal check ups to be not you!

Cutting story short again, THIS IS THE BEST PART OF THE STORY!!! I asked her why your Tampines poly different procedure huh? SNM claims oh mebbe there is a change in procedure and we are not updated. I went, Huh?? What do you mean?

She calmly explained to me the following:
she said in the past PM is Goh Chok Tong..now is Lee Hsien Loong so mebbe change procedure.. !!!!

This got me!! I said What the f*** has changing of PM got to do with poly procedure siak??!!FINE! If u say so, my first child is Goh Chok Tong one(metaphorically speaking hor!!).. my second child is Lee Hsien Loong one!! why still same procedure only yours diff??? Anyways, Lee Hsien Loong is the one ask us to give birth more what!! why the HELL would he make the procedure more difficult for us??

I shall end my story here. Now I know why m2 always grumble about the stupidity of these people!! How absurd can her reasoning be man??!!!!There are lots of others ridiculous answers she gave to my questions. I just dun have the energy to jot all down. Just talking to her depleted me of all my energy. I wonder if this is the standard level of the healthcare personnel employed by Singhealth? Bad, very very bad... a disgrace to the organization I dare say.

Kalau hari hari aku kena ngadap org gini, BP sure go storming high siak!!And for now, I am really dumbfounded at the discovery of such people in our healthcare society. Man! try to imagine them diagnosing you with some life threatening disease. "Oh becos we have just changed PM, your illness is now considered as critical and you will die soon.We will support this death by giving you all the medications you dun need!!" Sekali turn out u only got flu and they gave u cancer medicines eh?? Goodness I can't imagine if tat were to really happen! Gawat!!!!

2006-11-22T12:24:00.000+08:00

Ok! I can't take it anymore!! So I have to be honest and frank here… I need to confess.. the only reasons why I resumed blogging was because…….

I can't MSN or Multiply from work anymore!!!! Uwahhh … so sad…

These two websites were the only thing sustaining me from dying of boredom at work whenever the shipment load was very low and they also keep me from blowing my top whenever the volume was too high and stress was overloading. I would chat with my girl buddies and laff my head off at their antics and various topics we discussed or just surf thru Multiply and just look look see see.. kaypoh here and there..of kaypoh a bit lah ..not much ..So now I can only bloghop here and there even tho there seems to be lesser reason for people to blog nowadays with the existence of so many other froms of blogging like via multiply and other websites.. So it seems like my entries will be quite regular for now till they start to block blogs and stuff..

One thing I find funny, how come the sites to Singapore Pool and soccer reviews and stuff not blocked huh? Something to ponder about isn't it my dear colleagues?

Ok ..ok my main reason for blogging today was not about the above reasons ..that was just a sidetrack my fingers travelled to once they touched the keyboard. So backtracking here, I was laying in bed last nite awaiting for the drowsy effects of the cough med to sink in and I was thinking about my life.

Recently, I read back thru my archives and my faithful ole diary, the one that has been with me since I was not even married.. The pages have turned yellow mind you but it faithfully awaits for me to pick it up once in a while and jot my thoughts downs. I would have thought it dah merajuk cos I concentrated on virtual diaries to type down my thoughts. But it is always there, no matter how long it took for me to have the urge to write something down.

Anyways, as I read thru, I found that the story of my life since the past 10 years, besides the arrival of my two precious sons, has been the same lame story. Nothing new, no improvement nothing. In fact, I felt that my life was deteriorating. Even tho there is an expectation for my life to finally turn around by next year, InsyAllah, I dun feel the eagerness that I should be feeling. No being grateful you may say? Oh no, I am grateful. Cos for those who hear me rant about my lame life almost everyday, you would know about the problems I face everyday. Yes I do complain but I am ever so grateful.

You wanna know why? Cos no matter how bad it seems, I am grateful I have the love of my 2 sons which is overwhelming and is existant each time I step into the house. Both would eagerly come after me, racing for me to pick them up, hug n kiss them. Apit would always reach me first of cos, while lil Aide would crawl like a lipas kudung to beat Abg Apit. Hehe no matter, both would get an equal chance for my hugs and kisses and when I see their beaming faces, I tell myself Alhamdullillah for another day with my boys. I am ever so grateful for the roof over my head that I call my own for which I paid with my own hard earned money. I am grateful for the continuous rezki I have no matter how bad my financial situation is. No matter how I grumble, I am grateful for the days I am living, getting a chance to care for my sick mum. A chance to repay her deeds even tho I know I will never compare to what she has done for me. How many of us will have this chance?

Yet I see people who are ever unsatisfied with their lives. They have a happy family, good financial situation and so many good things going for them. Yet I always hear them grumble about one thing or another about their lives. Why are we ever so unappreciative of what we have? I hear people comparing their lives with others, envious of this person envious of that person when their lives are even so much better than mine. You would say I am, in a way comparing too but for me I take it as a motivation for me to better my life.

I was watching the House of Joy last nite, this lady showed the guy a Singapore dollar coin and asked what it is? He said what’s the big deal? Its just a dollar. Ahhh, said the lady in Singapore it might be a dollar here but it is worth 2 ringgit in Malaysia and might be lesser in another country of higher economical status. The value of something depends on the circumstances surrounding it for it affects how much something will be worth.

This scene keep replaying in my mind. So just think about it, the life you are living now, which you feel is worthless might be of value to someone else who would give anything to be in your shoes. Or if you are so full of yourself and think your life and your world is so perfect and high n mighty, it might be worthless to another person who might not have as much as you do but yet they have more, in terms of happiness and contentment. Measure the dress on your own body and dun act as if you are something you are not. No point telling me oh I am like this I wanna get that when in actual fact, an empty barrel is being drummed repetitiously.

I have to learn to be what I wrote about. So ok, the complaining might not ever stop. Well, just like shitting rite? As long as you keep the shit in, the tension and pain will always be there. Once its out, wahhh so lega rite.. What a way to put it huh?? Hehehe .. ok ok what I meant was that complaining for me is just to vent out my frustrations and stress. But I will strive to improve my life. I resolute to change what I can and to accept what I cannot change (this part I have been doing quite well, putting up with a lot of rubbish in my life) I know where I stand what I can afford. But I wont stoop to being so calculative that every lil penny will be that precious to me. Most of the time, money isn’t everything. This is the most important lesson I was taught.

Fuhhh.. erm sorry I didn’t realize my entry came to be this long..hehehe what to do? That’s me. Once I start writing, the words just flow. And I tot my brain and fingers would have already rusted by now. Hehehe …I better stop for now before this entry gets any longer..

2006-11-19T17:40:00.000+08:00

I know I said I wanna stop blogging but after contemplating, I felt that I shd not bother what you think or feel when you dun care abt my feelings. After all that you made me go thru, I dunno how to make a new life. I am trying my best to make it right. But how can you right something that is obviously wrong?

Will we really have a new start by next year? Will it really turn out ok? I wonder where I get the strength? Will people call me stupid? I just dun know. I am not happy with my life.I never was.

I feel so empty. The reasons why I am still around are because of the 2 diamonds in my life.Haiz.. altho I have been too busy at work hoping I can ease the empitiness in my heart yet it comes back to haunt me the moment I leave the office.

I dunno why but since yesterday, I have this immense, intense feeling building up in me. if I were to show it, sure I will be blamed. Arghhh damn!

2006-10-09T16:35:00.000+08:00

Hope it's not too late to wish everyone Happy Ramadhan. Just a short update. Feeling good, doing fine. There's a sign that my life might finally change for the better. Just praying hard it really will. For now, dear frens I wish u all best and pray for me will you. Muacks

2006-07-31T19:50:00.000+08:00

ALAMAK!!! I give up! You said you will give it up but you now wanna go back to your roots? Suka hati kau lah!!!

2006-06-30T23:46:00.000+08:00

It's difficult to comprehend you. It's difficult when you can't understand what I really need and want from you. My wishes were simple yet it's hard for you to understand that I am not stopping you from doing what you like but only that you manage your time wisely.

Mebbe I am the one who dun understand you after all. All these years wasted. When I thought I knew you well enuff that you knew me too. I tot wrong didn't I ?? We never really knew each other. When verbal communication is less yet our main source of our communication is via the high technology that is revolving around us now.

This is not the kind of path I dreamt of. I wonder how much further this path will go? Will it lead to Heaven or a dead end? I shudder to think of the end result. So many things left undone so many promises broken. Both of us could never meet our objectives. Is this how far we can go?

You compared your likes to mine? Fine, I will stop mine. You can go ahead with your vices at work which you knew I hate yet you keep on doing it. You can go ahead with wateva you deem is right for you to do. No I am not saying you are to blame. If you think all this while I am unfair to you, then I apologize. Like I said I guess we never really knew each other do we? If we can't respect each others wishes then mutual respect for each other will also deem to exist.

I stopped my activities as per your wishes. I did try. Mebbe tat is not enuff for you? Then I do not know what else you require of me.

Mebbe all that has happened are signs we both chose to turn a blind eye to. Mebbe we have been lying to ourselves all this while. Mebbe it is just not meant to be.

As your words intended so, I will stop my blogs as of this entry. I will cut off all ties with this high technology world that we both love yet cause us so much misery. Mebbe I should move to the most ulu kampung I can find huh? Singapore's high tech life is just not for me.

What started us going down this path might be the very reason we get off this path. Have you ever tot of that? Ironic isn't it?

For now I declare defeat. I am at fault and I shouldn't have started in the first place. It's time I backed out. I guess it's best for all parties. I am not writing to put you down. Like I said this is my only avenue where you can really read my tots and understand me. But still, as I've said before different people tend to read things in different ways. Wateva you understand from my entry, I dun give a hoot anymore.

Goodbye!

2006-06-27T10:09:00.000+08:00

I am so in love with this song Thanks to Trina hehe..
It's so beautiful.Sungguh emo mendengarnyer heheh..
If hubby were to serenade me with this song, I will lap you so much more many many..(*hint*hint*) heheh tonggang terbalik aku type.Neways ladies, especially wives, enjoy the song.

Iris-Awie

Kau masih ku cintai sungguh

dari awal dulu hingga hari ini

aku pasti seyakinnya pasti

kaulah satu untukku

kau masih dewi hatiku sungguh

biar sejuta tahun hilang di hari

usah gusar sayang

usah ragu aku milikmu

(korus)

cintaku jika kau tanya pada bintang

kekilauan sinar takkan hilang

akan aku sinari duniamu

moga terpadam sakit mu

cintaku jika kau lihat tingginya awan

takkan tercakar tinggi cintaku

hanya hatiku tahu apa mahu ku

dan duniaku pastinya milikmu

hingga ke akhir hayatku

(ulang korus)

kau masih ku cintai sungguh

dari hari pertama kau ku nikahi

aku pasti yakin dan pasti

engkau milikku

2006-06-24T23:25:00.000+08:00

She did it..... She did it too.. so I tot,what the heck.. why dun I do it too? Been bogged down by so many things lately so why not make myself feel lighter? So Apit and I did it together!!!

Him before

Him after

Me before

Me after

There are many things in life that dun turn out the way we planned.What do we do if it dun? Either we make the best of it, work to make it better or leave it and look for greener pastures. No matter what path we take, we must be prepared to face the consequences of our decisions.For wateva results is to come up, we are the ones facing it. Not others. Sometimes we feel that it will be hard so we procastinate and linger around hoping that things will change. The first step is always the hardest.

Our life won't change if we dun make an effort to. Starting small doesn't mean we won't achieve big things. Once we have taken that first step, the rest comes naturally. As long as we are sincere in making a better life, InsyAllah, He won't let us down. My main words will be perseverance and faith. To persevere in what in we believe in and to have faith that things will change for the better. InsyAllah.

Well, I would say it's a great start to my weekend. Meeting up with you girls made my day! Thank you ladies. Heart you many many.

2006-06-23T23:50:00.000+08:00

I was in the car on my way to my in laws to fetch Apit who slept over since Tuesday and along Changi Coast Road, you know wat I saw?? It was beautiful. This is what I saw...

And for the first time in my life I saw two of them at the same time next to each other. One was as bright as can be as you can see from the picture above while the other though might not be visible here, is on the extreme right after the lampost. My colleague said there is a meaning if you see 2 rainbows at the same time. Though I dun know and he wasn't too sure wat the meaning was, I'm sure it was a good one. They were beautiful and I was so mesmerized I kept staring at them and didn't realize the cigarette in my hand was burning out heheh. dah wasted satu stick. Mahal lor !!!

I sure hope it was a good omen. mebbe it was, seeing how many good things seem to have happened for me the past week. Mebbe my life is changing after all even tho it seems a lil bleak rite now.

And there is something to look forward to the next 2 weeks. Wat is it? I can't tell for it has not been confirmed so I'll tell you once I have the details heheh..

I can't stop thinking about the rainbows lar. But after I met Apit again after a few days of absence, I realized he is the real rainbow I was looking for. Boy I missed my darling so much. His antics and makin becok nyer mulut yg sentiasa ada jawapan for every thing I say just makes my day.

And I came home to him, my sweetheart Aide. He too, is becoming becok like his elder bro. In baby language of cos heheh and getting naughtier by the day. Oh he has started to suck his toes !!! Oh no!! please dun!! Takutttt ibu!!

What a beautiful way to start the weekend huh?? What more can I ask for? You tell me!! heheh I'M LOVING IT!!

2006-06-21T08:56:00.000+08:00

Today might just be the day that marks the change of a new life for me. A slightly better one. I m crossing my fingers and shaking in my pants. Trepidation to embark on a new journey. I have not taken any new journey for the past 6 years and hopefully now, when I finally decide to, it will bear fruit for me.

Mum has been excited since I told her yesterday and have not stopped praying for me. Even as I left the house this morning, she was still giving me words of advise. To selawat all the way. InsyAllah mum, berkat doa mak Nanie akan berjaya. May all my years of hard work and perseverance finally pay off.

So dear frens and of cos cousin, if you are reading this, pray for me ok that I will succeed in this lil journey I am embarking on.InsyAllah... Amin.

2006-06-16T23:28:00.000+08:00

One after another the thunderbolts struck me. One after another I get hit. It hurts yes it really does.I tot I'd get used to it by now but my eyes teared when someone I was rather close to threw a degrading comment at me. Yes it may seem like casual remark but it really hurts. My eyes welled up ..It seemed like an insult to me.

I dun wanna live such a life if given a choice. All I am doing is just trying to survive. You may have had better luck than me. Dun gloat over what you have for it may not be long. For all that you throw at me, you get back double of what you sowed. For me, I am trying to take it in my stride. InsyAllah, one day I will have a taste of a good life too.

For all that have struck me, for all that I have gone thru, I am grateful for what doesn't kill me only makes me stronger. For the worst conditions that I am in, there are others in worse conditions.

For all the insults thrown at me, I will take it as a reminder of who my true frens really are in my worst situations. For all who have shunned me, I will have seen the true colours of your friendship. I know I stand not amongst those of you who have a good life. I know my stand... I know my place. Worry not, I shall keep my distance. Fear not, I will not bother you again.

For now, I can only envy you. But jealousy is not the word. Envy is...envy in such a way it will be the motivation for me to better my life.To be better than yours mebbe. At least I still have a husband and loving boys. Boys who love me and know I do not look upon them as a burden. They are my pillar of strength. They are my source of endurance. No matter how tired or stressed I am, I come home to my boys and they lit a smile on my face. For that, I am grateful.

For now, I m waiting patiently waiting for my sunshine. If I am good Allah might just grant my wish a lil earlier eh?? hehe

2006-06-13T23:43:00.000+08:00

Do you reli think I'd care what you say? Silly you.They may have acted on your behalf as if reli concerned about it but in actual fact only to enquire on your behalf? Dun I have better things to do? Yes I do.. really lah tak bedek.. more sob stories..but hold on ..wait a moment before you reach for tat hanky dear, I dun intend the sob stories for your knowledge. You only reap what you sow. Why do you think you are standing where you are now? Take a moment and think.
I dun blame or hate them for still being with you. I have no say cos I am neutral. I will stand my ground till you at least come forward to me. Why shouldn't I be the first one? Cos I didn't stab anyone in the back.

Ok now for more of my sob stories as some would call it. Have not been going to work the past few days. Instead have been running to and fro the hospital. Tired as I am, I dun know where I get the energy.Up in the morning, my morning being at least 9am, cook the daily lauk pauk for the family, pack stuff and off to the hospital till 9pm at night.

My mum haven't been admitted for some time which is a pretty good track record I would say. I almost lost track of my bearings around the hospital.All the familiar faces are now gone. Irene have gone overseas, chasing for greener pastures I heard. Of cos Thana is around.The only stable sign that I haven't gone to the wrong hospital heheh.The first thing I heard when I reach the ward was her voice. Hehehe good ole Thana. The ward nurses are also unfamiliar to me. Yet I can already see the different characteristics of the different teams. Mum have also developed her love-hate relationship with the different teams heheh.

But I miss the CAPD outpatient centre which has now moved to the PDC. Sigh what a long way off from the ward when I need to complain or refer something. Scary ok when I need to walk from the ward to the PDC ctr. Especially thru the desolated Blk 3 after SOC are closed.Somemore must walk thru the dark lonely carpark.Err I think I'll give it a miss if I reli have to go there at nite.I'd rather call the CAPD hotline hehehe.Its almost like my 3rd home tho.Now it's only a storage room.

Well, it'll be worse when I start work and have to go to the hospital from there. I tell ya, you'll soon see me dozing off in the NEL ard 9pm every nite then hehehe Just hope I dun drool which I dun normally do anyways hehehe..

Neways, just praying hard mum gets better.She won't be home at least the next 5 days as advised by the Doc. Shout out to my Chong and also my fren Izan for visiting Mum. Hmm must remember buy lotsa bananas for my mum tomorrow. Hope her K and Albumin levels rises soon enuff. I love you Mak.

I may be the degil nak mampos selalu menjawab and buat Mak marah nyer dotter, but I love you very much. Despite my nonchalant attitude to you and constant menyakitkan hati with my rough jokes, I do love you very much and I really care about you. I know you better than anyone else in the world. I'd be lost without you and you know it. You are my pillar of strength all this while helping me bring up my darling Apit and always supporting me in what I do no matter what others may say. No matter how people put me down you always backed me up and gave me the support I couldn't get from the people I loved. Thank you Mak. I know I will never be able to repay all your kindness to me.

2006-06-03T18:00:00.000+08:00

If I am in your MSN contacts, you would see my nick as"Women: Bitches Men:Bastards" Why such a nick? I dunno, I see the world as such nowadays.

Women, they tend to bitch about each other no matter how close they are with each other. Natural women characteristics I guess. It's just a matter of how bitchy they are. It can be harmless but it can also lead to a lot of misunderstandings. Some even to the extent it will sow discord and friendships to be lost.I admit I do bitch a little. But I would say I bitch most to my best fren. Even then, I have been rather low profile nowadays. Like I said in my earlier entries, I'd rather be quiet and keep my mouth shut so no stories will come out. Whether it's about giving people a reason to bitch about me or myself to open my mouth and accidentally bitch about others. Not that I purposely bitch about others but a casual remarks could go a longggg way. People look at things from different perspectives and read things in different ways. It's just natural I guess that misunderstanding would occur. Hey, you can't please everyone no matter how much you try.

So why bother? I never really do. At times, yes I do get bothered but after a while, I clear my head and see it as just a lesson in life. I should learn from what happened and move on. I realise that I have to led my own life by my own decisions and instincts. No matter how much advise I get, it is still up to me to lead my life the way I want to. Friends come and go. I am glad I do have true friends like Ida, marcie and Miss Cutie who have been my friends for 15years. They have stood by me no matter how kepala angin I get or how celupar my mouth is. I guess they just understand that it is the way I am. I only hope I have been a good a friend to them as they have been to me.

As for "Men:Bastards" hmmm I guess they are just naturally bastards. Hehehe ..on a serious note, I have seen too many hearts broken, too many marriages dissolved. Why? Cos the men think with their dicks and not with their brain whereas we women mostly think with our hearts.I am not saying the women dun have a part to play. It always takes two to tango. Men fail to realize the repercussion of their short term folly. In the end, they will lose all that is precious to them. Is it worth that joyride I ask? Is the joyride worth all the tears your wives shed for you? What is the value of your wives' sweat and toil in working so hard to build up a good home and a happy family for you? My heart breaks when I see such things happening around me. Even more so when they have such young kids.

Again, this is part and parcel of life. We sometimes try too hard to be happy. We strive too hard to achieve the things beyond our reach. We forget about the simple pleasures we have in our grasps. The pleasures so easily achievable just by paying a little more attention to our loved ones. I want to write more but the words won't come to me. I am so overwhelmed with emotions rite now as I think back on my life and what my late Abah had taught me with his way of life. He taught me on the simple pleasure of life by always laughing with your children. He taught me to enjoy life while you can. There's no need for expensive overseas trips or gifts. He never gave me those. In fact, he gave me a lot more. He gave me lessons in life that made me strong enough to face all that have happened in my life. He taught me to realize who I am. To realize what I can achieve. He taught me never to give up no matter how hard it is. Most importantly, he taught me to love no matter what comes.

Till now I still remember the frequent trips we made as a family to Malaysia, to visit our many relations in different parts of Malaysia. Our long cramped journey in his trusted Mazda Bongo. All 11 of us cramped in that lil van for 8 hours stretches. How we enjoyed each others company. Our stay in the remote villages, swims in the rivers and dips in the natural waterfalls. I especially remember the taxi rides that I take frequently with him as he gave me a ride to work. The long chats we had during those rides and all our friendly debates. I will never forget Abah all that you have taught me. All that you have showed me.The love you showed for the family. And most of all your devotion and commitment to the family.

I miss you Abah each and every minute.

2006-05-27T22:24:00.000+08:00

Hell has no fury like a woman scorned!!!!

You had no idea did you honey when you started it? Well now face the fury of a scorned woman.She has been telling me stories again.I dunno if I should be angry or wat?? For now, I am too dissapointed in you. Too hurt..

I tried to make the best of wat I had. To make things like it used to be. But like you said, the past keeps catching up on us as if it did not want us to be happy. Who else can you blame but yourself? I feel pity for myself for I can't bear it any longer. I tried to be strong. I really did.

I wanted to be happy. I wanted to start all over again. I made changes to make you realize. Did you notice that I have changed now? That nanie had died inside. That it is a diff person you face now? Mebbe it is God's way of showing me that the path I have taken is wrong. I need to walk down a different road. A fren ever told me, "it's your life. You either choose to leave it or live it." I tried living it but faced too many hurdles. Mebbe it's time I left it for good. Things might change for the better and I can really be happy again. Even with the excess baggage I'm carrying around.

I'm just waiting for the rite moment. For now I shall sit in the dark and see. I won't hope for any more sunshine for it never rains but pours. I need to look for greener pastures. Even if it means walking down the road alone. Well, does it matter, I have always felt alone anyways.

2006-05-23T23:48:00.000+08:00

It used not to bother me.. I never used to care.. really it never did. Cos I tot my time would come.My turn would be next...I waited patiently yet day after day, year after year, it never did.I consoled myself in little ways. I tried to make the best of what I had.

Yet I dunno why I can't seem to keep it in check anymore. I get irritated and pissed when I hear others talking and bragging about it. Easy for you to say lah.. you are not in my shoes .. Berat mata memandang berat lagi bahu memikul. Ya, I know there are others in a more pitiful situation.

I am not ungrateful for what I have but the lack of insensitivity of some people really pisses me off. You really dun realize how lucky you are do you? How would you like to walk in my shoes for a day? Wonder how long you'd last?Bear the scorching heat that keeps on burning down on me.

I dun need your pity just some sensitivity. Yes I know you are sick of hearing my stories.My lame stories. Well, this is me. The story of my life. Mebbe a major reason why I rather keep to myself nowadays. I know who I am and where I stand. It's definitely not amongst you. I realize now how far I have gone on my own. Yet I am also aware of just how much further I can go.

I am now a resentful person, hating someone for the tiniest reasons. I hate who I am now for I am definitely not such a person. But hey, I am only human. Envy and jealousy is there no matter how much I try to suppress it. I tried to be a good person. I dunno if I am anymore or if I ever was. Mebbe I never really was.. sad to know isn't it? I wonder what good has being a good person got me? Nothing but pain and misery.

I just want people to quit putting me down. I know who I am and where I stand. You just dun have to keep reminding me and insulting me. I dun have much pride left after all that have happen. Will you take away that lil amount of pride I have too? Would you only be happy if I become a pitiful little hermit, hiding away in a corner and so scared of every little shadow that passes by?

2006-05-19T23:06:00.000+08:00

It's nothing great I know but at least it's my own creation..my own attempt. It's just a simple layout I can call my own. Too tired to change much .. mebbe will edit some things here n there when I haf the mood.. ciaos

2006-05-16T19:36:00.000+08:00

Everyday it’s the same ole story. I rather not talk about it anymore. Wat is the point? No matter how hard I strive, my life remains stagnant and unchanged. Preferring to remain quiet rather than be in the open and be misunderstood. Keeping myself away rather than be gossiped about. Mebbe it is for the best that I keep my distance and live my life my on way and in seclusion so as not to dissapoint myself and others around me. If I dun hope I will not get disappointed.That is wat someone told me. Mebbe so lah eh?

Getting disappointed day after day, time after time. I get so tired of it. I rather live each day as it comes and not plan anymore. Work is good. At least I will earn money. So wat if I do? It runs out even faster than it comes in. So for now this blog shall be abandoned, being updated only once a month or when I really feel like it.

Dun speculate, for you know not wat I am going thru. Stories can be made up and wateva you think it is, it may not be so. Dun ask me for I rather not say. For now there is no happiness in my life only depression. Still looking for the sunshine after the rain.

2006-04-28T17:59:00.000+08:00

I m a year older today.. even tho wat i hoped for today didn't happen, it was ok lah.. sigh a tad dissapointed tho ...neways..

sent aide for his immunisation jab this morning. came home to a spread of my fave food, roti kirai, chicken curry, rojak salad and mee tai bak courtesy of my mum.. hehe she even baked me a choc fudge cake complete with a berthday tag n candles.. thanks mum..

Traditionally she would have made me a 2 tier cake made out of pulut kuning wif beef curry n fried vege. But i had told her not to do that cos she is sickly this recent days.didnt wat to bother her. but being the mum she is,she still cooked me a spread. love u mum.

hubby gave me a handphone.. nokia 6681.. thanks hubby ..

and apit wished me happy birthday and gave me a bday kiss..

and thanks to all those who wished me a happy berthday.
you guys shd thank me ok... cos on my bday the govt gave all a present.. the progress package ehehe ..so lame.. hehe crappy me .. here are some pics courtesy of my Nokia6681 ..btw, dun blame the crappy pics on the phone.. blame it on the photographer heheh

2006-04-19T17:24:00.000+08:00

I AM HATING U

SO MUCH

RITE NOW!!!!

2006-04-18T13:17:00.000+08:00

Life works in funny ways.I've never dreamt my life would turn out this way. Many things I wished I could do otherwise. I love my friends so much.

Without them, the good ones I mean, I would never have gotten this far in life no matter how small my achievements are compared to my friends. The best friends I had stood by me thru my thick and thin.They have seen the best and the worst of me.Yet today they are still here beside me always concerned for me. They have never looked down on me nor have they made me lose my self respect.They have never made me feel shameful. Yet I am sad I had to go through some unpleasant moments of losing a friend. One who stabbed me behind my back and yet so arrogantly defiant to say sorry. Well, even tho I do not fret the lost of this friendship, I still feel it should not have happened especially with a friend of so long.Well, thats life I guess. You never know who you can actually trust. All of us are born with a face we have to live with all of our lives but no one's stopping us from putting on masks when facing with different people. Life? No I disagree.It's your self respect, character and dignity we are talking about.

When you are a hypocrite, it soon comes to light and one day it will surface and attack you in your own proximity. One day, you will wake up and soon to find all of your friends are gone. When you are in need, no friends will come to aid you. For they will find you as a friend in play but not a friend in need.Play with fire, you get burnt.Once you are burnt, the wound may heal but the scar remains for life.

I know I am not perfect but I do try to be a sincere friend. To my friends, if I seem to be doing something wrong in your eyes, please tell me for I do not want to end up losing a friend. I may be blind to my own downpoints so when you do point it out to me , InsyAllah I will do my best to reflect and change where possible.I do not want to be labelled nor looked upon as a bad friend.

I know people change but to change so drastically and going against all that you believed in before only goes to show how weak you are. How easily you succumb to temptations as if you are quenching a thirst of 10 years. People smile and laff at your antics but I see how they criticize you behind your back and how looked down you are. I can only listen and shrug it off for I am no longer in any position to defend you. I myself no longer know you nor do I acknowledge knowing you anymore.

I now only lead my own life, trying my best to block out anything else besides my two sons. For me as long I dun bother trouble, I hope trouble dun come bothering me,which has not always been the case. I am a changed person now. Preferring to keep mum for if I do not open my mouth, nothing comes out and if nothing comes out, nothing can arise out of what comes out of my mouth. I'm a changed person, one I dun really feel comfortable with but yet, I have to adhere to what is required of me. Its back to the mundane life I lead before but I guess I have to be contented that I do not have to trouble anyone anymore.

2006-04-12T11:59:00.000+08:00

A leopard's spots may fade but they will never change. That is what I believe. It is tiring to always be one making an effort. The rainbow appeared only for a while after the rain. The thunderclouds quickly came back to block the sunshine from shining down on me.Is it something I did or did not do enuff? Everything is back to square one. Life is so mundane. No matter how hard I try, no matter how much I source, things remain the same. It is as if I did not make an effort at all. All in vain.

I see a shadow lurking behind the trees, waiting to jump out at me when I pass. I seem to know that shadow but yet I cannot confirm his identity. Does not matter, for I have seen such shadows before and it always comes to light. When it does, expect all hell to break loose. Each breakout even greater than before.

This is the calm before the storm for I will not lie down quietly and be stepped and trampled on time and again. I have been hurt before. Hurt too much, I will not take it lying down anymore. If lessons were not learnt before, they will be learnt better. I will make sure of it.

My movements are restricted now as I try to adhere to what is required of me. Yet I see the traffic does not go both ways. It is a one way lane for which I will not go down. I refuse to. Ada pegi ada balik. Understand that? There is no point venturing into a business that you know will not reap profits for I am not running a charitable organization. No idiot will continue a business that keeps getting debits balances.

Now after all that I have written, I know not if you will understand or as before you will misunderstand. If you dun, please dun jump to conclusions. It makes matters worse. Just accept it as it is. Else at least make an effort will you?

2006-04-05T13:56:00.000+08:00

My lil one never fails to make me smile.Esp when I wake up to this every morning... hehe

He especially loves it when his big brother comes over n chats with him.Seeing the two of them chatter away makes me smile.Abg loves kissing adik.Never fail to do so each morning when he wakes up, before n after he goes to school.hehe.Wat a pair these two make.

2006-04-03T23:58:00.000+08:00

I'm missing you

Have you ever bothered to realize
how much you mean to me?
I care so much for you inside
and miss you so deeply.

My mind is always curious about
the way things might have been.
As days go by and time goes by,
I look back once again.

All the time I held you in my arms,
I had the whole world right there.
There you were, comforting me with
all of your charms.

Every little kiss from you
was like a dream come true.
This love that I have inside my heart,
it all belonged to you!

It's funny, all those little things
I never thought I'd miss,
Like all those conversations we had,
or the first time we kissed.

I guess that what I'm trying to say,
is I miss and love you more each day!
It hurts me not to see you,
or not to know if you're ok.

I want you to understand
that I loved you from the start.
And I want you to know,
no matter how many miles
we may be apart,
you'll always hold a special place in my heart.

PS This is written by Camar Putih.**Non Blogger*

Touched me deep inside for I'm feeling sentimental today.Was at a shopping ctr while my dear frens shopped when I suddenly missed hubby so much. I felt like hugging n kissing rite there and then.I smsed him, earlier in the Nel train on the way to meet my gfs, how much I loved him and he replied. His words touched me and rite there in the train my tears flowed freely down my cheers.My chest swelled and I felt so sad all of a sudden.Ignoring, the strange looks the other passengers gave me, I kept on reading hubby's sms over n over. And I remembered why I fell in love with him in the first place and how after I met him no other guy,no matter how good looking nor wealthy nor witty had a managed to budge me from loving hubby. Yes hubby may not be the best looking guy around the block, may not be witty nor is he perfect. But he is my hubby and I love him so much. Life isn't easy for us, yet I am happy just being by his side.

On another note,I dunno.. seems like nothing is going rite.The path that I have nvr taken is also unaccessible to me. I'm at a dead end.Yet I must force myself to go thru tat dead end and somehow find a road that no matter what I must take. Sigh..When will the road I choose lead to a life which I have always wanted?At my wits end for I really am lost ... so lost that I just can't make the sunshine after the rain.Will there ever be sunshine in my life?Or will the downpour never stop?

2006-03-31T18:52:00.000+08:00

Old folks say"Dun be too happy lest u end up crying" How true their words are..
Been happy the past week..smiling and so contented with the way things are rite now.
Yet today, all of a sudden everything seems to be crumbling down on me one after another.
What tuff luck man!

Now have to press brain think of solutions.All alternative solutions seems unaccessible liao.
I might have to take the road never before ventured. Sigh it's risky but I really dun have a choice. Sigh.Survival is my main concern now.I'll deal with wat comes when the time is rite.

Damn it!!

2006-03-28T23:49:00.000+08:00

Been doing well the past week...too well I think hehe sampai selera makan so good I put on weight a lil instead of losing it hehehe Anyone got any remedies to lose weight but dun wanna exercise?? hehehe

Spending time alone with hubby ..powerrrrr dah macam time dating dulu seh hehehe I loikeeeee veli much ohhh ..I miss u each and evertime u not beside me lah hubby ..muacksss ..

Hmm I wanna plan something nice for hubby for his birthday in May.. I know its 2 mths away but I wanna plan well..hehe any ideas anyone?? Where can we go in Singapore for a nice meal nice atmosphere... wat should I get him ?? but I think I already know wat to get him..hehe hope he will like his pressie ..

2006-03-20T20:45:00.000+08:00

My two handsome princes... Their first photo together..

2006-03-15T20:47:00.000+08:00

This entry is solely dedicated to moi hubby n our marriage.

Tell me which sea does not have it's tides rising n falling?Tell me which person hasn't bitten their own tounge before?As such every marriage too have the same fate.

Dearest hubby, we've been thru so much the past 10 yrs and each time we come across a hurdle, I pray that it makes our marriage stronger not weaker. No matter what, I have and will always love you.I believe it is my love that made me strong enuff to go thru everything we faced with you.

I am sorry if during these obstacles, I had waivered now and then and seemed less supportive towards you. I know I can be a bitch at times and less sensitive of your feelings. I love what we have now.Our life may not have been a bed of roses but I dun care for that. Money may be the root of all evil and cause of most problems but let us not make it our weakness. Nor shall we let any other distractions nor people who try to wreck havoc in our marriage break it.

I pray we will be happy again like we once were...I love you. Je Taime..May Thumse Pyar Kerthi hu...

2006-03-12T21:53:00.000+08:00

A day at the beach wif hubby & Apit...A day well spent , where I really felt at peace without any nagging tots on my mind....

2006-03-06T23:37:00.000+08:00

I m just really really really tired and there hasnt been much to blog about..But dun worry peeps I m doing ok I think ...I just need lots of rest rite now..Sigh 3 more weeks before I hafta to go back to work.. I wonder if it will makes thing more complicated and cause more trouble?Erghhhh I m going crazyyyyyyyyyyy...I m getting paranoid!!

2006-03-03T13:05:00.000+08:00

She got me hooked on this song and now 24hrs when I am at home, I listen to it..Very meaningful lyrics for me..sigh...enjoyy

Artist : RadjaTitle : Tulus

kekasih aku tak mengerti
apa yang ada di dalam hatimu
kau diam kau tersenyum padaku
di saat ku salah

jangan pernah dustai hati
bila memang sudah tak cinta lagi
percuma bila terus bersama
pastikan terpisah

tulus kah hatimu mencintai aku
bila aku pernah menyakiti hatimu
maafkan aku lupakanlah aku
bila itu mahu mu

tulus kah hatimu mencintai aku
bila aku pernah melakukan sala
hmaafkan aku lupakanlah aku
namun jangan tinggalkan cintaku

2006-03-02T23:49:00.000+08:00

Please excuse me... I am PMSing....

I am trying so hard but I just can't get over it..Forgive me but I dun know if there is any room for change anymore in me... I tried but each day and each time I look at you, the feelings resurfaces..You can't even begin to imagine the number of stoopid things I have thought of doing ...You can't start to think of the pressure and stress I am under..

If I can find room in my heart to forgive you, please find it in yours to be patient with me.. I know I have not been on my best behaviour.. but I just can't help it.. I guess we will never be the way we used to be...

2006-02-26T17:28:00.000+08:00

A whole new me? well mebbe a headful new me?? Hehe Makeover completed ... well almost .. wat is the last part?? Ahh see for yourself ok?? For now I am tired for I have been busy the past few days.. I shall let the pics do the telling ok!!

To know more about what I've been up to. click here.

2006-02-16T12:55:00.000+08:00

Rusyaidi Syakir will be a month old this Sunday. Time flies man.. haiyah as he gets older time for me to return to work nears .. malas nyer nak kejeeee!! uwahh..aniwaes I have been trying hard to get a pic of Aidi smiling and yet failed each time. This photo was snapped by Apit in the nick of time hehe..ada tokoh jadi professional photographer anak aku sorang ni ..

BTW,I received this about my horoscope in the email from her.hehe how true is it?? must go ask my hubby already ..

TAURUS
Aggressive.
Freak in bed.
Rare to find.
Loves being in long relationships.
Likes to give a good fight for what they want.
Extremly outgoing.
Outstanding kisser.

2006-02-15T23:24:00.000+08:00

It's been nothing but heartache ... I dunno how much more I can take..It's over for now .. all is at peace again .. but I dunno if I can take another blow..I dunno if it's another still before the storm.. I am at the egde .. you almost pushed me over it .. Be thankful I didn't ...

Finger pointing is not up my alley. For a fren told me a finger points at me but 4 fingers back at you...I have chosen the path in which I now have to walk down... Sorry seems to be the hardest words..This is Sheryl Crow's song but hey it dun apply to you.. its the easiest word for you to say.. up to a point it no longer carries any meaning for me..

I dun know why I am still around .. I really wonder why .. I dun see any reason why I should stay but I am tied down by so many emotions .. I am begging you ... Dun give me anymore reason to go ..

2006-02-13T23:18:00.000+08:00

Only If Ure In Love.....

Find a guy, who calls you beautiful instead of hot.

Who calls you back when you hang up on him.

Who will stay awake just to watch you sleep.

Wait for the guy who kisses your forehead.

Who wants to show you off to the world when you are in your sweats.

Who holds your hand in front of his friends.

Wait for the one who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares about you and how lucky he is to have you.

Wait for the one who turns to his friends and says, "...that's her."

Hmm I wonder how many guys actually does these things? And I wonder how many ladies found such a guy? I know I haven't...Hey dun laff ok.. It's true..Ladies need to be constantly told how much u love them.. I envy the lady who finds such a guy...sighhhh..

2006-02-11T23:45:00.000+08:00

Arghhh Ibu wat happened?? You lost your HP?? poor ibu ...never mind, come I cheer u up..See my mentel face..we take photo together ok??

Ibu and me...Oh now Ibu still sad over her lost but she got new HP and new no oredi ...those who need her HP pls msn her ..BTW, Ibu's makeover mission II acomplished!! Nice or not?? hehe...

2006-02-10T23:25:00.000+08:00

It was one of the happiest day of my life ... I enjoyed myself and the company. It's been a longgggg time since I did that ... Hoping for more happy days to come..

It was also a sad day cos I lost my HP!! I just bought about a mth back man!!! Shit!! What luck ..I dropped it in the cab!! So frens ..I am uncontactable unless I am on MSN..uwahhh

Betui jugak kata org tua agaknyer.. jgn terlalu gembira nanti in the end mengangis... uwahhhh
Saper ada HP spare to loan me??? uwahhh

2006-02-07T16:12:00.000+08:00

I have decided... mebbe its not a perm one but for now thats the only step I can afford to take.. I am not strong enuff for now... I need an aphrosidiac ..(mcm salah jek aku spell ni??hehe)

I guess we shall be staying out of each other's way huh? It is the best for now... Kau buat lah hal kau .. aku buat hal aku .. Wat a drama we are in.. We put on masks in front of each other, yet once the mask is off, we barely recognise each other ... You want this kinda lifestyle?? Well, suits you.. I will accomodate ..

As for me, I am no longer putting myself down for you.. I wanna enjoy myself and let my hair down .. The Nanie you once knew will wither away slowly .. The new Nanie you might not like but hey the decision was made by u. I tried to be the best I could be for you... still I never was good enuff for you..I am tired of always making an effort only to be pushed away by you.. Hey, it ain't my lost darling ... it's yours..

It's sad we turned out this way.I guess life is written as such .. Lets just make the best out of it.Wateva we have will only remain in name...

2006-02-06T02:23:00.000+08:00

Allah is really great .. again He has shown me wat you have been doing behind my back .. Sepandai pandai tupai melompat akhirnyer jatuh jua ke tanah ... It's a totally different life and person I discovered...Not the same person I tot I knew all this while... It's is sad ..so sad... Yet it is an eye opener for me.. yes it really is..

I dunno wat to say or think anymore... I dun know if I even care anymore... Should I care? Why should I? You give me a Fucking solid reason why I should care?! Mebbe our journey should end here and now.. The journey is too tough...I have beared wif everything under the sun... My skin is burnt raw from all that heat.You are burning me alive...

Gosh I dun know how I survive all this while and am even more intrigued how I am to survive the rest of the journey... Ya Allah kau berilah aku kekuatan...

2006-02-05T21:16:00.000+08:00

Makeover mission part 1...Accompllished..pictures courtesy of Apit

Next mission... on Tuesday insyAllah ... hehe

2006-02-04T13:36:00.000+08:00

It's been a long time since I really went out and let my hair down..Met with the ladies on Friday and enjoyed myself thoroughly.Met Charm for the first time, such a sweet lady hehe..
Went for dinner at the Esplanade,watched the beautiful fireworks and karaoked our lungs out..Reached home only at 5am..phew.. the last time I went out so late was erm .. phewww I think during my engagement time..heheh
For more photos click here and here

Thanks ladies I had fun.We'll do it again soon ya?For now, I am on a makeover mission.*Winks at marcie*hehehe

2006-01-31T18:10:00.000+08:00

Try as I might, I can't get it out of my mind.. Bleh jadi gila seh .. The more I try to forget, the more it lingers in my mind. Living a life with 2 faces rite now. Saper ada membership kat IMH?? Recommend lah kat aku!!Aku nk book satu bilik kat sana lah ...Arghhhhhhh...

2006-01-30T21:53:00.000+08:00

The girls made my day today.They came over each bringing their families and goodies too...Yummy..too bad me tengah dalam hari so I can't eat much.. Anyways I am on a strict diet ok!! So Miss Cutie, jangan jeles bila aku dah slim nanti!! The reason they came over was to visit Aidi and also to celebrate the birthday babies... namely Idanis(20th) and Miss Cutie(31st).We had loads of fun and lafter as usual whenever we gather hehehe My op site hurt from laffing so much seh .. Happy birthday girls!!! Click here for more pics!

2006-01-28T23:07:00.000+08:00

Currently hooked on Kris Dayanti's Coba Untuk Setia:

*
Apalah maumu kasih, kau pilih diriku di dalam hidupmu
Nyatanya kulihat ini, tak bisa kau coba untuk setia
Sudah cukuplah sudah, kumemberikan waktu
Kau selalu tak bisa mencoba untuk setia...

**
Yang selalu kuinginkan, yang selalu kunanti
Kau coba untuk mengerti, apalah arti mencinta
Dan harus kau sadari, bila ingin bersamaku
Jangan coba kau ingkari, cobalah untuk setia...

Back to *, **

Masihkah aku diinginkan, masihkah aku didambakan
Masihkah ada waktu untukmu bersamamu, akankah kujalani hidup...

Back to **

Dan harus kau sadari, bila ingin bersamaku
Jangan coba kau ingkari, cobalah untuk setia...

2006-01-26T18:11:00.000+08:00

People say once bitten twice shy..Well not me huh? Bitten so many times still not shy.. Agak nyer aku ni gemuk sgt eh?? Sebab tu suka makan darah aku?? Scars all over me... yet I guess you still come back for more...It hurts you know!! So blardy painful ...

How many times more? I dunno why I keep letting it happen ...Hai lah nyamuk ... sedap sangat ke darah aku ni? Manis agaknyer eh? I wonder why when I had the chance to swat it flat on its face, I let it fly away only to come back for more? Aku suka agaknya kena gigit nyamuk ... This particular nyamuk, I have been feeding it so many times, it has become like a pet to me. I have develop such intense affection for it I let myself be sucked dry...

Bodoh kan aku? Ntah eh ... mebbe lah .. But I guess part of the reason why it that I still have affection for the Nyamuk and still keep a glimmer of hope that one day the Nyamuk will mebbe reform and who knows dengan kuasa Tuhan menjadi seekor butterfly yang cantik?? Miracles do happen you know.

Hmm you must be wondering si Nanie apa merepek plak pelihara nyamuk eh?? Oh dun worry, ni bukan nyamuk aedes... I won't die of Dengue from it's bites.. paling paling pon die of heartache sebab nyamuk blom reform jadi butterfly khekhekhekhe ...

2006-01-24T15:40:00.000+08:00

Hello world....
My name is Rusyaidi Syakir. I arrived on 19th Jan 1518hrs..It's a surprise to me cos I was only due on 4th Feb you see but since I was already full term, the doctors made me come out lah.. I was delivered thru emergency Cesaerian as Ibu's Blood Pressure shot up rather high ... Must have been the lack of sleep and stress at work the past few days...Ibu's now at home too recuperating. It's taking longer for her to heal this time as they cut on the same site as her prev C-sec when she delivered Abg Apit.

Oh Abg Apit's my big bro. I have always heard his voice when I was in Ibu's tummy.He was always saying he loved me very much and asked me not to kick Ibu so much .. khekhe Now that I am out, he really does love me you know.He's always around me,always eager to help Ibu handle me.He carries me at least once a day,help Ibu feed me and the moment he opens his eyes in the morning, he will ask ibu where I am...See my big bro really loves me..

Oh ya, Ayah name me you know. Ibu named Abg so ayah got to name me this time.. Nice name?? Ibu likes it very much too. Ayah didn't tell her my name till a day after I was born you know. So it's a surprise for Ibu too...

Hmm I am getting tired..Before I go, I'd like to say thank you very much to all Ibu's frens, bloggers and non bloggers who came to visit me and Ibu and for all those lovely gifts..Now, for that bottle of delicious milk and nap... See ya around..

2006-01-17T13:53:00.000+08:00

Am I guilty for feeling this way? I dunno.Mebbe its the pregnancy hormones. But tell me again if there is no base for my suspicions?

Where exactly are we heading? What is it that you are searching for? What is it that we lack? What have I not done enough for you?

I dun wanna treat you this way. It hurts me too you know. To see your face and be reminded of it again. I dun wanna go thru all that pain again.

Please.... open up and talk to me. I am not a mind reader. I dunno how or what you are feeling if you dun talk to me. We are partners yet we are strangers. I know I am hurting you with this yet I feel it is the only way you will open up and talk to me. I am too scared to approach you less you flare up and walk away everytime I try.

2006-01-15T23:33:00.000+08:00

I've always wondered what is it that I lack. Emotionally lacking?? Physically I know there are many areas I am really lacking in ...but that has never been a real issue to me...

It has taken me so many years to try and rebuild the trust yet time and again you break it,Not only trust, you break my heart too.Each time so deeply the wounds never really heal. People see me as strong but they dun know how lonely I am.The scars are still so fresh yet you give me another.

A strong front I put up yet I've lost the count of the times I cried myself to sleep.I sometimes wonder it this is all worth it. At this point of time, I had tot I was way beyond the point of caring anymore yet I get so hurt and so emotional over what I discovered. Pregnancy hormones you say?? Mebbe....

Or mebbe it's just a woman's instinct eh?? So far it hasn't let me down.Has it this time??

2006-01-06T11:34:00.000+08:00

First of all, I do hope it's not too late to wish all a Very Happy New Year. I do hope that with the soon arrival of my next prince, it will be a good year for me. So far, I am seeing good prospects. Things are going rather well for me.I managed to achieve what I wanted to achieve hehehe ..

Ok for my update, I have either been working then going back home immediately to rest or went out shopping till my legs are shaking with weakness. On my off days and weekends, I stayed at home quietly, intending to have all the rest I can get and to spend as much time with Afiq as I can before he starts school next week and before baby's arrival. Bu I found myself getting so bored, I spend my time napping whenever Afiq is napping or otherwise occupied with his VCD collection of Barney, Hi 5 and Tom & Jerry cartoons or busy playing his online games with Elmo and his likes..

I have finished baby shopping or so I hope hehehe ... I can't help it. Each time I go out, I can't help buying something for the lil one. Gosh, I find that this pregnancy is going by so fast. My maternity leave will start in 2 weeks time. With Aidiladha next Tuesday and me being on leave on Wednesday& Thursday, it will be even faster.Wednesday will be a hectic day for me as Afiq starts school and I have to rush for my antenatal check up that same afternoon. Will have a lil rest on Thursday, back to work on Friday and off again on Saturday. Tot of taking the Friday off too but I really dun wanna waste my leave.hehe wanna save it .. mana tau ada rezki gi longgggggggggggggggggggg holiday.... berangan aje lah dulu hehe ..

Ok, stop here for now... getting tired soooo easily. Baby is kicking and moving around so fast and hard now. I can see my tummy move from side to side as tho it's made of jelly man ..And it hurts so bad.. I get such terrible backaches I feel like crying and I cant even sleep at nite... uwahhhh ..

Never mind bear with it, once baby arrives, I will be back to my normal self... hehehehe plus with baby in hand!! khekhekhe

2005-12-29T10:22:00.000+08:00

Am too tired to upload photos and events of the weekend.Will do so later when I have the energy and mood.

Went for my antenatal check up on Tuesday. So gynae says wah your baby is big ah?? I was like huh?? The previous time the MO say small? Well, he says its definitely a LOT bigger now. Look at your huge tummy. I tot its only fats? he laugh and pokes rite at the top of my tummy.See!! Here is your baby.Can't be small rite?? I was stupefied. That big?? Can't be ah?? VBAC smaller chance liao?? Now he has got me scared... aiyohh.... never mind I will try my best for VBAC ..wats important is that baby is healthy and well.. And I just pray so hard I will have a smooth delivery.

I am nearing 35th week of pregnancy. 5 more weeks to go. Currently I am having very bad mood swings. It hurts whenever I do anything . When I walk or stand or sit or lie down.My legs feel like jelly. I get so bored when I try to stay at home and rest yet when I go out, I get tired so easily. Sigh the downs of pregnancy.. A part of me wishes baby can come out now.. a part of me hopes it waits till the rite time ...

I have been having bad mood swings.. so bad my temper changes in a minute. Sigh I feel so drained out. The only thing that makes me happy nowadays is looking at Apit's face and hearing his lively chatter. He keeps saying Apit sayang adik ... sayang baby ..Ni Abang Apit tau ibu.. hehe so sweet .. he evens wants to sleep with baby.. so he sleeps near my tummy hugging my tummy ... But even so, he is now away at his Nyai's and I am missing him badly...

I hate this up and down feeling...

2005-12-23T14:03:00.000+08:00

I finally had my fair share of shopping too!!! Yippeee..so now I shall let the pictures do the talking ok...

Baby shopping part 1

Baby shopping part 2

Juice blender for mum and BBQ Steamboat for hubby

And of cos something for my precious son.

Although I did not really get anything for myself,I feel so fulfilled I got to buy stuff for my family.I had this sense of cententment walking around Orchard with the whole family.Mum in the wheelchair and me n hubby strolling while holding Apit's hands.

Yet, that is not the end of the story.Today I shall continue my shoopping saga after work.Oh,baby's stroller and rocker shall be delivered by the good people of Isetan by next week!! Oohhh now I am feeling the excitement of baby's arrival!! Yippeee..

Now, I wonder what I shall buy today??

2005-12-21T14:00:00.000+08:00

Arghhh!! I've been hit!!! Hit by what u may ask?? By the RWB!! Real Woman Bug!!! I suddenly find myself getting more vain .. kalau kat dlm ni girl understand gaks seh ... sigh apa lah kena ngan aku .. I buy earrings on impluse, make up and even pretty blouses for my post natal wear!!! Omigod someone help me!!!

My impulse online buys!!!

After our usualy treat of Gelare ice cream n waffles, we headed down for some real yummy food!! Pizza,popiah n Soon kueh!! yummmyy!! We were so full I felt like a Marshmellow man!! khekhekhe..wonder wat else will come up next week ..

Neways, can't wait for my shopping spree tomorrow!! Hmm tonite must really sit down and ponder what I shall buy tomorrow?? Wonder if hubby is in the mood to surprise me with any pressies?? khekheke Orang nk TV baru dia pon nak TV baru ... kwa kwa kwa.. well, I am only human!!And never turn down an offer from the hubby!!! Rite ladies????

2005-12-16T12:00:00.000+08:00

Tis the season to be jolly..tralalalalalalala...Tis the season to be giving tralalallalalala..Dec, like Yanni said is a season of celebrations and giving. Not only for Chrsitians celebrating Christmas but for all as everyone receives a bonus from the company be it little or big...

The wives get nice pressies from loving hubbies... I can only be an onlooker and be envious of my frens.. I too shall be very giving when my bonus comes.. Giving away my bonus to the numerous bills,debts and instalments that are long overdue. Saving a big part of it for my delivery next year too... So I won't get much stuff I have been eyeing.. Actually there's really nothing much I wanna buy cos I feel I am contented with wat I have now. Hehehe Better for me to settle wateva I can so that when I deliver next year I dun haf to stress myself out thinking about unsettled bills!!

Oh .. anyways I will be getting a hefty amount of shopping voucher from my company so I will have my fair share of shopping too!!! hehehe I just realised that 8 months into my pregnancy I haven't bought anything at all for lil one... kesian dia.. When I was preggy with Apit, I had started shopping as early as 5months..Anyways, Apit's baby clothes and essentials are still in good condition so there's nothing much for me to buy.. Mebbe I will get lil one some nice new clothes ..

8 months into my pregnancy,I have now started to really feel the toll of being pregnant on my body.With my weight being so heavy, legs have swollen up, hands are now numb frequently. I can't stand for too long else my legs ache. I can't sit for too long else my back will ache like it'll break into half at anytime. I have been sitting at an awkward angle at work just to ease the pain. I can't sleep well at nite and have this great pain in the pelvic area due to a symptom called Posterior Pelvic Pain. It causes me great pain and I cry in my sleep.I get angry easily and snap at anyone who provokes with even the slightest thing. Sigh...

Mebbe I should cut down on going out so often and rest more at home.I can then spend more time with Apit during his school holidays and before baby arrives.. sigh .. rewel nah lah aku ni .. at times it is suffocating not being able to be able to do what I want to do as n when I want to..i am suddenly depressed over my clumsy bloated overweight body and feel as if I want this baby out rite this very instant.... apa lah kena ngan aku ni eh.. pregnancy blues agaknyer .. hehe

2005-12-14T13:16:00.000+08:00

Like every other Tuesday, the mummies met up for our weekly intake of fats hehehe ..This week its a lil diff. We were celebrating marcie's birthday..belated of cos!!

Lotsa fun with a turnout we didn't expect..Even some of the school mates we havent met for a long time came!! Fuyoooo powerrrr!!After dinner at Popeyes we headed down to Swensens for dessert.. We had pre ordered the cake for marcie as a surprise and before our order intake of Banana Crumble and Giant Earthquake, we hit her with a Birthday song!!! Hope you had fun marcie!! The mummies were having so much fun everyone forgot the time and was wayy over the curfew when we finally headed home!!

For more photos click here

So who says we need a "Nokia Connector" to meet up wif old frens and haf loads of fun?? I think we did a lot better without one!! kwa kwa kwa .. U are not indispensable U know!Humph!!

2005-12-10T09:36:00.000+08:00

Last week it was her birthday.Today it is HER birthday!!!!!Happy birthday marcie!!!!!May this year be a better one for you and may all your dreams come true...Can't wait for Tuesday!!!

And her lil princess is a month old today!!!!!

2005-12-09T22:06:00.000+08:00

I just lost a whole post...sigh..ni yg malas ni nak update!! bingits.. nevermind let the pictures do the talking ah!!

Our Tuesdays Obsession!!

Sha n Isaac joined us!!

Hubby's object of obsession!!!

2005-12-05T23:59:00.000+08:00

Wat better way to end your day than having a relaxed chit chat wif a good fren over a cup of coffee??met up wif marcie and her lil princess.. sat at Starbucks for a drink and just chit chat..Saira is filling up rather nicely..and she was so sweet.. I saw her smile wif her lil dimple ..the way she smiled, sigh cair gue!!!Then did some retail theraphy ... oh dun think too far!! eye retail only hor!! with a lil purchase here n there lah heheh..

Walked around and was about to go back but i felt like eating again so had some mashed pototoes wif a cup of ice lemon tea and continued chatting...It may haf been just the 3 of us , Saira inclusive of cos but I had fun lah ...Saw someone talking to the tummy!! Imagine that ..and she's not even preggy ok!! She recieved funny looks from strangers ..alamak pecah perut lah!!!! khekhekhe ..somemore can act like gangster seh!! Isk tak malu betul lah budak tu!! khekhekhe..

Neways, planned an outing for the Dec babes... can't wait for next week!! Lady frens, please mark a date on your calendar for next Tuesday ok!! We are gonna go haf fun!! hmmm wat shall I wear?? make up??? me ?? nanie in make up?? khekhekhe ok we shall see shall we??? jeng jeng jeng ...

2005-12-03T23:33:00.000+08:00

It's a Saturday and I'm cooped up at home... well, not exactly.. had to work today.Finished rather early and went home to rush to Apit's school at Punggol 17th Ave.. Sigh I regret enrolling him in that school.. the teachers and curriculum are ok lah but the school systems sucks BIG TIME man!!No school Uniform since he entered in July..and wateva we paid for like year end photos also never received.sigh ...I guess next year will be his last year in that school... I will definitely look for a different school when he enters K1!!

Wanted to bring Apit to see Chicken Little but he was so cranky as he have not had his nap yet so we went home.Hubby haven't slept either since he came back from nite shift.So while both of them had their naps, I went to Sheng siong for my monthly grocery shopping.Was waiting for a cab home when hubby smsed me saying Apit was crying badly looking for me.. Dah lah ngan barang berat berat, takde cab.. rushed home and consoled Apit.The moment he saw me he smiled and was saying in an accusing voice"Tadi Apit ngangis ..carik Ibu.. abih Apit bangon Ibu takde!!" ohh my poor baby .. never mind tomolo we shall go out ok darling. He wanted my full attention after that demanding I carry him to the toilet for his bath and then to the room to clothe him...afterwhich i laid in his bed with him while he played with his lorries and finally fell asleep.Aduhh pinggang gue dah mcm nak patah seh ..

It seems like he is getting more clingy and cranky as I get nearer to my due date. My MIL it was becos of pembawaan budak.. Sigh I sure hope so ..cos if he is still like this after I give birth..sigh bleh jadi gila gue...Gosh I am already 31 weeks ahead..!! It's just a matter of a few more weeks till my cosy lil family of 3 becomes 4!! Ohh I am so excited yet scared of the changes...InsyAllah things will turn out fine..

And now, a special shout out to a birthday babe!!!

Happy birthday babe! May all your wishes come true and may all that you have dreamt of be realized.

2005-11-25T17:01:00.000+08:00

Reading Trina's entry made me realize the truth it wat she says.My life too has not been a bed of roses. Had to go thru many obstacles each more difficult than the other. Each time I face a test, I feel like giving up. Feeling worn out as each day comes. Yet with Allah's grace, I get thru each one. I sometime wonder wat is there in life for me to carry on? But now I realize how good life has actually been to me. I am married to the man I love with a handsome charming son. Expecting another jewel in a few months time. A companion for my darling son.

Baby is doing well. Heard his heartbeat just now during the CTG. Gynae says head is a lil big but we'll see. There's a couple more months to go. It's confirmed I am expecting another boy. khekhe Was shown the genitals clearly just now just so that I can really satisfy myself.Hubby laffed at me. Nevermind lah .. another boy just as what Apit wished for. Next change insyAllah girl lah eh?? heheh..

For now, I can't wait for my huffing puffing machine to come back. To have that puffing session.An also to have the cute lil bottles I wanted for so long.*winks at Trina* Weiiii cepat balik weiiii!!! khekhekhe

2005-11-18T13:12:00.000+08:00

Someone said she believes in Karma.. me?? I believe that what goes around comes around.. I have always believed "Don't do unto others what you dun want others to do unto you." I have not done anything bad to people yet things keep happening to me.. Dah jatuh ditimpa tangga. As if I dun have enuff on my mind, I have to encounter being played out by a close long time fren.
I believe in Allah's Mightiness and also believe retribution does not wait for Kiamat to be sentenced out.

I have been trying my best to be a good fren to all ..yet this is what I get. Yes, I am farking pissed off.. all the stories you have told others not only about me but about your other frens... We know your "lubang" now and let me tell you how very dissapointed we are.Especially me, your so called long term fren.It hurts so deep. If I were to follow my emotions now, I would either call you up,if you were to pick up the phone in the first place, and scold you with all the vulgarities known in all the languages in the world. Or I would meet you and have it out.But considering my present situation,I can't do that. Just being so angry at you, baby has been getting worked up the past few days..

I will let it be for now and dun wanna tok about it anymore. But be forewarned, I have not forgotten neither have I forgiven. It's a small world and the circle of frens you have entertwines closely with mine. So one fine day,no matter how you avoid me, we are bound to meet face to face.Till then you have not seen the wrath of my anger. Till then I shall lay low.

To my other concerned true frens, many thanks for your concern and support. It's a wake up call for me , a tight slap in the face when I was already almost awake. To be shown who my real fren really was. To see the true face behind the mask hidden for 14 years. It is Allah's grace to show me or rather us what our "fren" is capable of. It truly is a blessing in disguise. And now we know saper kena dengan saper kan? Whateva happened, no matter between who was just the icing on the cake. After the dust has settled, we found out what you have been doing behind our backs while smiling to us so sweetly.

Let it be known that when wateva happened, I did not take any sides.Choosing to remain neutral for both are my frens. Yet you accuse me of so many things. And choosing to blame others instead of acknowledging your mistake. You are no longer a small young teen stuck in your school days so wake up and grow up will ya! Be responsible for your actions. For now, you will lose your frens one by one...untill you face up to what you have done.

2005-11-14T17:36:00.000+08:00

A weekend of many events I would say the last one was..First off, families and frens decide to "attack" my humble abode. An event I most welcome ...Topped off the Sunday with a glorious BBQ at her place. Click the below links for respective pictures..

Lebaran 2005 part III

BBQ Galore

Now on another note, something that made me angry..so angry I ended up with 2 days MC for today and tomorrow.Wat would you do if you found out a close fren whom you 've been frens with since adolescent years stabbed you behind your back yet all the while he puts up a smile in front of you joking and acting like he had done nothing wrong?I have yet to confront you about this my fren but I dun think I will either for the truth is out..It is there staring at me in the face..Telling me wat a fool I've been..

It is not a good thing my fren telling people my life stories.. stories I entrusted my closest frens with..Fabricating the stories making me seem like a bad mother and a weak wife. You see me as a weak person, so Gung HO about work yet timid as a mouse when it comes to my hubby.. Yes, he may not be the perfect hubby,many flaws he has but he is the father of my 2 children and honestly saying, I love him still as I did when I just started to know him. No matter wat he did, he has the key to my heart and I realize now that may have been the reason why I married him in the first place.

Many things I endured and went through for him, not to defend him or because I am weak. But because I love him and it is my responsibility as a wife to do so. To make my marriage work and not leave him in the lurch, struggling to make a living for OUR family.What he has done in the past he has sincerely regretted and changed that part of him. There are still areas in which he has to improve in but it takes time for someone to change. And so do I dare say I am the perfect wife? No I am not my fren..many areas in being a wife I do not excel in... yet I am grateful my hubby puts up with me..

One of the areas being that I am a young mother who is learning by no one's thumbrule but my own. You make me sound like a bad mother to someone I hardly knew.Yes, you see my frequent nites out with frens and you dun see me buying stuff for my son. But did you see the times I burned the midnite oil caring for my sick son? Not having enuff sleep to sew his beddings and curtains? The nites I can't sleep missing him while he's at his Nyais?The pain I went thru to bring him into this life? Did you see the times I forgo my own meals to save money to buy his necessities? To bring him to the doctor?Did you see the times I cried after scolding or beating my son because I wanted him to grow up to be a good person? Did you know all this?

You, my "good fren" dissapoint me. I dun know what I did to you that made you draw such a picture of me..Am I that bad a person? I am not perfect yes I know, but I have always tried my best to be a sincere and good fren.. I may be monetarily poor but I dun go around asking people I hardly know for money as wat you claim. I have never been good with money, never thinking twice to share with my frens even if I have that lil amount left. So far as I remember, you have never contributed anything in my life significant enuff for me to remember. You weren't there in my times of needs. You were not there when I needed a fren.

So, I dun think I have a need for any future communications with you. If for any reason you wish to rebuke what I have written, feel free to do so.I am shocked beyond words about wat I have found out..so shocked that I am so ashamed.. ashamed not of the stories you have been telling people but more ashamed I have been so blind I had a fren like you.

2005-11-10T23:59:00.000+08:00

Finally at 12.14 am 10th Nov 2005 just as she wished, marcie's precious lil princess arrived in this world. Aleysa Saira arrived weighing 2.7kg with rosy cheeks and red lil lips, capturing the hearts of all those who went to visit her..I guess marcie's bed was the most kecohrable one with all of us making so much fuss and awing over the newborn.. Click here for more pics

So there's only me left with my "watermelon".Next check up on 25th Nov.Sigh and only due Feb next year... seems so near yet so far... uwahhhh

2005-11-09T23:59:00.000+08:00

Click here for more pics

Dropped by Trina's abode after werk for Hari Raya and also to play middle man for her to become a "Business woman".. also for her to indulge in her lurve for Tupperware heheheAfterwhich freon fetched me and we went shopping at Mustaffa Centre while waiting for news from marcie who was about to deliver anytime..

2005-11-05T18:21:00.000+08:00

Lebaran 2005 first day pics..

Lebaran 2005 part II

2005-10-29T14:50:00.000+08:00

Here's wishing all Selamat Hari Raya ... Maaf zahir dan batin...

2005-10-24T13:08:00.000+08:00

Sorry for the lack in updating.Been busy and too tired. I am doing ok. Mnaged to fast for the first two weeks afterwhich I guess baby can't take it and needs his regular intake of nutrition.

Have done most of my Hari Raya shopping over the weekend. Hubby in the midst of painting the house. We are so excited to decorate Apit's room now that we have our spare room back.Am anticipating a better Raya this year but yet my enthusiasm is overshadowed by the "Watermelon" I am carrying around. get tired so easily now.Each day after buka, I fall asleep easily. But the past few days, I have been helping hubby with the painting of the house. Dun worry just touch up a bit here and there.

Went for my check up on Friday. No scan was done so I didn't get to see baby. But heard his heartbeat. Gynae says ok good. And I did not put on much. Only 1.8kg throughout the whole pregnancy. But she warned me to be careful what I eat cos the third trimester I will put on weight like no ones's business ...I have to go for the Glucouse tolerance test somemore!!! UWahhh!! I hate that test!! yuckss!! Anyways 3 more months to go ..

Can't wait... work is really wearing me out. Wish I be a WAH. Sigh ...

2005-10-11T23:46:00.000+08:00

Apit's birthday Bash

Arrival of Nur Annisa Uzairyah

2005-10-04T10:14:00.000+08:00

Dear frens,

I won't be blogging for a while. Some health,work and personal issues to settle. I wish I can explain better but I just can't.

For now, I wish all Happy Fasting.

2005-09-28T00:00:00.000+08:00

It was this day 3 years back that you came into my life.You didn't arrive quietly , no not you..you wailed your lungs out! When the nurse put you close to my face, I could smell you and see your beautiful face, amazed at the great gift Allah has bestowed onto me.I teared at the awe of it all. My very firstborn..Rafiqin Afiq has arrived.28th September 2002!!

Your first cry, your first smile.. your first everything made me amazed ..held me in awe..The endless and unconditional love you taught me to give and to receive in return. The lessons I taught you.. The lessons YOU taught me...The frequent hugs and kisses we shared.. The bond we have..

Only Allah knows how I feel as I pen down my thoughts now, tears streaming down my cheeks.. The love I feel for you... You, the apple of my eye, the cure to all my sorrows, the pillar of my strength...

Happy 3rd birthday Rafiqin Afiq,my beloved son. I pray you will grow up to be a good person not only to your family but to people around you.I pray your life will be smooth sailing or at least better than mine. It wont be without failure but it will be full of achievementsb and memories.

Did I tell you yet?? I love you soooooo very much my dear...

Click here for Birthday fotos!

2005-09-22T11:58:00.000+08:00

Too busy...
Too sick.....
Too tired......

2005-09-12T15:57:00.000+08:00

Say hello to Apit's lil brother everybody. Yes it's another boy!! A lil dissapointing for me but hey, at least Apit got his wish for a lil bro. Everytime people asked him whether it's a boy or girl he will confidently say"Boy!"Apit nak baby boy!!" hehehe

But a lil sad news for me. As you know, I have been having ceret beret and vomitting whateva goes down my throat rite? I lost weight becos of this.. and the gynae said baby is underweight and is below average.Ada ke the gynae asked if I was on a diet!! Siao ah .. not preggy dun wanna diet tgh preggy plak aku nk diet.. aniaya nyer kes!!

It worries me cos Apit came out a whopping 3.78kg! I better start stuffing myself with food.Sigh if only I can hold it down.. Pray for me frens will you?Pray for my lil baby boy..For now I am depressed not becos it's a boy but because of the baby's condition.

2005-09-09T13:23:00.000+08:00

I hate my 2nd trimester!! Even tho I am gradually getting some sleep, I hate the constant ceret berets.. the frequent vomitting of everything the went down my throat. Arghhhhh!!!! I am always hungry .. thirsty .. feel like crying ..

Bear with it Nanie..it will soon be over .. I hope..

Long weekend for me cos Monday I am on leave..5th month screening .. We sahll wait and see the results shan't we??

2005-09-07T11:35:00.000+08:00

Have been too tired to update lately. Photos to be uploaded. Will do that later when I have the energy. Neways, here's a longggg summary of my week

Friday, 02 Sept
Can't recall at all what I did.Seriously.

Saturday, 03 Sept
Went to work.Rushed thru the shipments cos I needed to rush home to fetch Apit before heading down to Simei for Sarah's cukur rambut. Apit was having his afternoon siesta when I got back so seeing I was also rather tired,I too took a nap. Got up and headed down to Simei by 6pm. Got home only at 9pm with bags of delicious food. Thanks Yatie.

Sunday, 04 Sept
Woke up only at noon. What bliss I tell ya. It was raining very heavily so I just lazed on the sofa with a mug of hot Milo and a novel while Apit played his fave online games on the lappy.Got hungry by 5pm, so brought Mum, Bibik and Apit out for dinner. They deserved a break too from being cooped up in the house everyday mah. headed down to Giant PP cos Mum wanted to buy a multipurpose pot that was on sale. $19.90 only. Cheap lah.Had dinner at Banquet and went home. I enjoyed this day the most cos the she-devils weren't home and I got to bask in the tranquility of my own home.Something I was deprived of for soooo long.

Monday, 05 Sept
Met Yani after work cos we were heading to Mediacorp to watch my cousin Firuz in Anugerah. Pity he didn't make it thru to the next round.Never mind lil cuzz.U got this far, a feat many others might not be able to make. Try again next year ok. Dun give up on your dreams. Your mum and sisters are always supporting you. So are your cousins like me!! hehe..Oh.. ohh another friend finally burst her bubble!! Congrats to Hamida and Anis on the arrival of Amirah Qashrina Magad at 8.17pm!

Tuesday, 06 Sept
Got up late. Wasn't feeling very well as I still had a weak bladder. Still vomitting every morning. This is not a pregnancy induced sickness mind you! Still tot of going to work. After waiting for 30 mins without any signs of a cab, I decided, what the heck. So late oreadi might as well I MC lah. Went to RMG Compasspoint,got 1 day MC and went home by 12pm. Ate my meds and took a nap.Woke up @ 3pm, thanks to freon's wake up call. Made plans to bring Apit out as he's been bugging me to take him out.Poor boy must be bored at home since its the hols. Freon fetched me at 4pm. Sorry lah to have made you wait hor.. Perut aku buat hal lagik lah... heheh.Off to Tampines to fetch marcie and we headed down to TMC to visit Hamida. baby was sooo sute. Which newborn isn't huh?Went to town afterwards, fetch Diana G and we finally settled down to dinner at Pizza Hut Centrepoint. Walked a bit there, met up with Dee Dee, had a drink and off we went home. Apit and me fell asleep almost immediately after our shower.We were so tired. It was the most peaceful sleep I ever had in sooooo many monthss...

So there goes my longggg boring entry ...

Last but not least,my condolences to a friend who lost her beloved father early this morning.Semoga Allah memberkati roh nyer and menempatkan nyer dia antara mereka yg Dia kasihi.I feel your lost dear sis,I went thru the same thing. Be strong ok. Your family needs you at this crucial times. Innalillah....

2005-09-01T04:47:00.000+08:00

Here I am 5am in the morning, unable to sleep, try as I might. Too bogged down. Head spinning wildly, feeling like it's gonna crack at any moment. I'm at my wits end. I dun seem to be able to find any roads I can walk down.I know this is not the end yet I feel like its the end of the world. My world that is.

Why are you doing this to me? Just what have I done wrong? Have I not been a good enough person in my life? Why can't you be considerate for me? Have pity on me pleasseeeeee...I cry myself to sleep each nite for the past few nites.

You know what? I really feel like running away. From everything I have ever known.I wanna dissapear from the surface of this earth. Alas, but where can I run to? What else can I do? I am just a sitting duck. Waiting like an idiot to be shot and slaughtered heartlessly.

Ya, you can sit there and pity me all you want. You can console me all you want. Give me all the advise in the world if you please but is it really helping? It still ends up with me facing everything myself,struggling so damned hard.Where would all your pity and advise gotten me? Nowhere but I end up being looked down, pitied and just being a nobody.

I have never asked for much in my life. Just having all my basic needs met and for me and my family to be happy and well. Of course I have dreams but I know how far stretched my dreams are no matter how small they are. Lil things others take for granted, lil luxuries people have. All I asked is to be free from all these problems.

2005-08-29T22:33:00.000+08:00

A rather quiet Monday where I forced myself to work.. feeling damn weak .. still having the ceret beret and still had to run to the toilet after every lil meal or drink so I am very very very shacked...

But I dun wanna miss seeing Baby Isaac for the first time.He is sooooo cute u know ... He was crying fretting but he quieten down the moment I had him in my arms.. Isk he knows he has a "fren" in my tummy mebbe?? But then again hor, he keep quiet when anyone carrys him ..hehe manja .. Mat sensitip and sentimental u noe.. He frowns whenever we "gossip" about him heheh.Yanni and me just can't get enuff of him lah.. Ok enuff said.. Click here for the pics

2005-08-28T20:37:00.000+08:00

Sigh the weekend's over just like that.. I had a long weekend cos I was on MC on Friday due to lack of sleep and cough.Friday evening Hubby took me and Apit out to celebrate our 4th wedding anniversary as he promised. To see the photos, click here.

On Saturday woke up early to make the Coconut Blossoms I had promised Yanni to present her for her dotter birthday party later. Things didn't go too well as I seem to lack of many ingredients which I tot I had. But it turned out ok lah still eadible as most guests commented it was nice even tho I personally tot I could do better.Anyways, I didn't take any pictures at all since I wasn't feeling too well and also didn't eat as much as I would have like to. Helped out in the kitchen wherever I could. Now waiting for marcie to upload the photos.

On Sunday, we just lazed at home as I was feeling really weak from the diarreahea.I ate too many fresh oysters on Friday. I can't eat anything as I would soon run to the toilet. Now feeling very weak. Still hafta to go work tomolo. If take another day MC kena unpaid oredi.Took Apit to Sengkang Square to the Pasar Malam to buy his toy gun as promised. He adores cars and vehicles but has not a single toy gun. Bought for him a set of Doc's equipment too and he has been checking everyone at home for a good heart rate and giving injections to everyone. After saying everyone is ok, he shoots us with his toy gun.Apa punya doctor ni? Dah inject orang kasi baik dia tembak kasi mati plak!!! hehehe well, that's my boy!

****Congrats to Shayussri and Nazri on the arrival of baby Isaac today at 1516hrs!Will go visit you soon!***

2005-08-25T22:43:00.000+08:00

First of I need to rewind back to Monday's events when me and my cousin ventured on a last minute date to Mediacorp Studios. Rallying together to give support to my cousin who was taking part in Anugerah.. Good luck to you Firuz, May all your hard work pay off and your dreams come true.We will do our best to be there for you each time.

Now back to today, Arts central have been screening a very interesting documentary. They are tracking the progress of 25 babies from pregnancy to the age of 20 yrs old.Currently the documentary is in it's 5th year.Child of our Time had me intrigued. The first episode, the showed how a baby can hear from within the womb which is not something new. I used to let Apit listen to Nasyid, talk to him and sing songs to him.Even hubby talked often to Apit.It was clearly proven true when Apit was born, hubby held him and recited the azan in his ears. Hubby said what amazed him was Apit who was crying loudly then as all newborns do, suddenly quieten down looked up at him and smiled. Hubby cried, something which he doen't often do. Later stage, Apit would quieten down almost immediately when I sing to him or switch on the Nasyid.

Another amazing fact they shown was that babies are capable of thinking even from within the womb!! Did you know that? I was truly fixated with this show. Tonite, they showed babies just minutes out of the womb, freshly born, brought into this world.

Looking at the babies, I suddenly broke down and cried.Call it hormones or wateva. But the babies were so beautiful and fragile. Which suddenly reminded me of the heavy responsibility a baby comes with. How helpless they were yet so armed with love and innocence they melt anyone's heart away.I am nearing my 5th mth of pregnancy, and as each day passes I am reminded of the nearing day which the new baby will arrive.

Our lil family of 3 will turn into a cosy family of 4.I dunno how I will cope. Each day,I do my best to be the best mum I can be to my son.I wonder if what I am doing is rite or wrong. What impact it would have on his life.How he would relate to me as he grows up.

But most importantly,I love my son. He's a gem, a treasure I find hard to imagine has been bestowed to me.Each nite I watch him as he sleeps and still wonder how is it possible this beautiful being could have come out from me?I would then hug him tight, kiss him and fall asleep with tears running down my cheeks onto his..And when he wakes up in the morning, the first this he does is look at me. smiles and says"Rambut Ibu macam Nyonya!" What else can I do besides hug him tigher and smother him with kisses til he wriggles out of my grip and runs out to safety in the arms of his nenek .. hehe Rafiqin Afiq, I love you so much!

2005-08-23T22:11:00.000+08:00

Wat would you have done and how would you feel if you found out a couple of your very good frens got together, planned something without you then made fun and talked down about you, your life and your present situation just because they are a tiny winy lil bit better off than you??

Dissapointed?? Angry?? Sad? Confused?? Well I felt all these but hey if anything, it only made me stronger..SO THERE!!

Oh ya, btw, thanks eh for being my "very good friends". Now I know better who to trust.But then again, it could have happened in my dreams..

2005-08-21T20:52:00.000+08:00

Apit have been to skool for almost 2 months now.. He is progressing rather well and I can see the difference in him. He sings and dances more at home even tho I can't really decipher his words properly and his lyrics are all over the place ... he speaks more now and mulut becok macam murai seh ... His words now make more sense now but there are times when I dun understand his logic .. Example"Rambut Ibu macam nyonya" Huh?? well duh, I have been having the same hairstyle since I gave birth to you my darling boy! hehehe..Anyway reality sets in when I see him in his school uniform.. As cute as he looks, he also looks grown up and i suddenly feel old and scared that he'd grow up too soon for my liking.. Uwahhhh

2005-08-16T13:38:00.000+08:00

I remembered when I was preggy with Apit. Me , another preggy akak and Ms Dynamite used to nap during our lunch time. This was at the old office where we would switch off the lights and pulled the cushioned chair together to make a bed... I enjoyed those naps as they kept me fresh throughout the day. I guess those naps kept me going throughout my pregnancy. Here in the new office, with the new Deputy General Manager, so many rules to adhere to, things are not as lax as they used to be. So no more napping no more lunching in .. so many no mores... like army camp oredi lah .. But today, I was not feeling well. I went to the docs yesterday was diagnosed with flu and fever but as I had no more MC, I chose to go to work today. Even before 12 noon, I was already feeling the strain of the illness. I put my head down on the table and within seconds was fast asleep. Luckily the DGM wasn't in and the Jap manager didn't say much.. I think my other colleagues knew I wasn't feeling well so they didn't say anything about it.. I am pleasantly surprised as my lunchtime is only at 1PM mind you.. so the almost an hour nap did me good cos now I feel so much fresher but with a tinge of headache...

I hate the uncertainties of pregnancy where one day I can eat as much as I want to and the next day, I can't eat a single bite... Sigh ... 2nd trimester I am supposed to feel my best .. most energetic yet I feel worst than in my first trimester..hopefully it will get better as days goes by..

There's this pakcik at work who never fails to irritate me whenever I bump into him .His words will always be"nanie, kau ni aku tgk makin hari makin gemuk eh?" Usually, I just take in my stride when people comment on my "wellness" but there comes a point when I will definitely blow my top. So what if I am gaining weight like nobody's business?? What business of yours is it?? I will take in all the fat jokes u say to my face with a pinch of salt but only if you were a good friend of mine who I know really dun mean anything with the mean jokes...I know who I am and wat I look like ...

For the Pakcik pakcik and jantan jantan kepo yg mulut kalahkan mak jujatss... Kalau aku gemuk pon aku tak mintak beras dari kau bila nak makan ! Aku tak pegi rumah kau habiskan lauk pauk kau so just shut up and mind your own bloody business!! Anak bini diri tak terjaga nak jaga tepi kain org!!Aku tido pon peluk laki aku bukan suffocate kau bodoh!!! So there!!! Feel the wrath of my anger!! humphhhh!!

2005-08-14T17:13:00.000+08:00

The annual SHSS Gathering was held at LPS on Sat 13th Aug. Turnout wasn't so good but still we had a great time. Someone said she'd be soft and demure.. Never saw a single second when that happened ..heheheh

Was good to meet up wif ex school mates .. To think that not that long ago,we were in our school uniforms sitting in a group at the technical block each day chitchatting and copying each other's homework ..Now almost all of us are married with our own lil princesses and princes.. Come to think of it, it's been 10 years since we left school..Boy do I feel old..

****CLICK HERE FOR THE PHOTOS*****

2005-08-11T12:46:00.000+08:00

Tell me what u think.....

A) Friends who choose to see and listen to everything around you even if it doesn't concern them!

B) Friends who choose to see and listen only to what they want to..even if you are begging them for a favour?

C) Friends who favour certain friends amongst others..

I wanna know wat to do with such friends ... especially if you've been friends for a looongggggg time...Cos after so long, it gets on your nerves...