It's difficult to comprehend you. It's difficult when you can't understand what I really need and want from you. My wishes were simple yet it's hard for you to understand that I am not stopping you from doing what you like but only that you manage your time wisely.
Mebbe I am the one who dun understand you after all. All these years wasted. When I thought I knew you well enuff that you knew me too. I tot wrong didn't I ?? We never really knew each other. When verbal communication is less yet our main source of our communication is via the high technology that is revolving around us now.
This is not the kind of path I dreamt of. I wonder how much further this path will go? Will it lead to Heaven or a dead end? I shudder to think of the end result. So many things left undone so many promises broken. Both of us could never meet our objectives. Is this how far we can go?
You compared your likes to mine? Fine, I will stop mine. You can go ahead with your vices at work which you knew I hate yet you keep on doing it. You can go ahead with wateva you deem is right for you to do. No I am not saying you are to blame. If you think all this while I am unfair to you, then I apologize. Like I said I guess we never really knew each other do we? If we can't respect each others wishes then mutual respect for each other will also deem to exist.
I stopped my activities as per your wishes. I did try. Mebbe tat is not enuff for you? Then I do not know what else you require of me.
Mebbe all that has happened are signs we both chose to turn a blind eye to. Mebbe we have been lying to ourselves all this while. Mebbe it is just not meant to be.
As your words intended so, I will stop my blogs as of this entry. I will cut off all ties with this high technology world that we both love yet cause us so much misery. Mebbe I should move to the most ulu kampung I can find huh? Singapore's high tech life is just not for me.
What started us going down this path might be the very reason we get off this path. Have you ever tot of that? Ironic isn't it?
For now I declare defeat. I am at fault and I shouldn't have started in the first place. It's time I backed out. I guess it's best for all parties. I am not writing to put you down. Like I said this is my only avenue where you can really read my tots and understand me. But still, as I've said before different people tend to read things in different ways. Wateva you understand from my entry, I dun give a hoot anymore.
Goodbye!
Wistful for Love
11:46 PM
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I am so in love with this song Thanks to Trina hehe..
It's so beautiful.Sungguh emo mendengarnyer heheh..
If hubby were to serenade me with this song, I will lap you so much more many many..(*hint*hint*) heheh tonggang terbalik aku type.Neways ladies, especially wives, enjoy the song.
Iris-Awie
Kau masih ku cintai sungguh
dari awal dulu hingga hari ini
aku pasti seyakinnya pasti
kaulah satu untukku
kau masih dewi hatiku sungguh
biar sejuta tahun hilang di hari
usah gusar sayang
usah ragu aku milikmu
(korus)
cintaku jika kau tanya pada bintang
kekilauan sinar takkan hilang
akan aku sinari duniamu
moga terpadam sakit mu
cintaku jika kau lihat tingginya awan
takkan tercakar tinggi cintaku
hanya hatiku tahu apa mahu ku
dan duniaku pastinya milikmu
hingga ke akhir hayatku
(ulang korus)
kau masih ku cintai sungguh
dari hari pertama kau ku nikahi
aku pasti yakin dan pasti
engkau milikku
Wistful for Love
10:09 AM
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She did it.....
She did it too.. so I tot,what the heck.. why dun I do it too? Been bogged down by so many things lately so why not make myself feel lighter? So Apit and I did it together!!!
Him before
Him after
Me before
Me after
There are many things in life that dun turn out the way we planned.What do we do if it dun? Either we make the best of it, work to make it better or leave it and look for greener pastures. No matter what path we take, we must be prepared to face the consequences of our decisions.For wateva results is to come up, we are the ones facing it. Not others. Sometimes we feel that it will be hard so we procastinate and linger around hoping that things will change. The first step is always the hardest.
Our life won't change if we dun make an effort to. Starting small doesn't mean we won't achieve big things. Once we have taken that first step, the rest comes naturally. As long as we are sincere in making a better life, InsyAllah, He won't let us down. My main words will be perseverance and faith. To persevere in what in we believe in and to have faith that things will change for the better. InsyAllah.
Well, I would say it's a great start to my weekend. Meeting up with you girls made my day! Thank you ladies. Heart you many many.
Wistful for Love
11:25 PM
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I was in the car on my way to my in laws to fetch Apit who slept over since Tuesday and along Changi Coast Road, you know wat I saw?? It was beautiful. This is what I saw...
And for the first time in my life I saw two of them at the same time next to each other. One was as bright as can be as you can see from the picture above while the other though might not be visible here, is on the extreme right after the lampost. My colleague said there is a meaning if you see 2 rainbows at the same time. Though I dun know and he wasn't too sure wat the meaning was, I'm sure it was a good one. They were beautiful and I was so mesmerized I kept staring at them and didn't realize the cigarette in my hand was burning out heheh. dah wasted satu stick. Mahal lor !!!
I sure hope it was a good omen. mebbe it was, seeing how many good things seem to have happened for me the past week. Mebbe my life is changing after all even tho it seems a lil bleak rite now.
And there is something to look forward to the next 2 weeks. Wat is it? I can't tell for it has not been confirmed so I'll tell you once I have the details heheh..
I can't stop thinking about the rainbows lar. But after I met Apit again after a few days of absence, I realized he is the real rainbow I was looking for. Boy I missed my darling so much. His antics and makin becok nyer mulut yg sentiasa ada jawapan for every thing I say just makes my day.
And I came home to him, my sweetheart Aide. He too, is becoming becok like his elder bro. In baby language of cos heheh and getting naughtier by the day. Oh he has started to suck his toes !!! Oh no!! please dun!! Takutttt ibu!!
What a beautiful way to start the weekend huh?? What more can I ask for? You tell me!! heheh I'M LOVING IT!!
Wistful for Love
11:50 PM
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Today might just be the day that marks the change of a new life for me. A slightly better one. I m crossing my fingers and shaking in my pants. Trepidation to embark on a new journey. I have not taken any new journey for the past 6 years and hopefully now, when I finally decide to, it will bear fruit for me.
Mum has been excited since I told her yesterday and have not stopped praying for me. Even as I left the house this morning, she was still giving me words of advise. To selawat all the way. InsyAllah mum, berkat doa mak Nanie akan berjaya. May all my years of hard work and perseverance finally pay off.
So dear frens and of cos cousin, if you are reading this, pray for me ok that I will succeed in this lil journey I am embarking on.InsyAllah... Amin.
Wistful for Love
8:56 AM
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One after another the thunderbolts struck me. One after another I get hit. It hurts yes it really does.I tot I'd get used to it by now but my eyes teared when someone I was rather close to threw a degrading comment at me. Yes it may seem like casual remark but it really hurts. My eyes welled up ..It seemed like an insult to me.
I dun wanna live such a life if given a choice. All I am doing is just trying to survive. You may have had better luck than me. Dun gloat over what you have for it may not be long. For all that you throw at me, you get back double of what you sowed. For me, I am trying to take it in my stride. InsyAllah, one day I will have a taste of a good life too.
For all that have struck me, for all that I have gone thru, I am grateful for what doesn't kill me only makes me stronger. For the worst conditions that I am in, there are others in worse conditions.
For all the insults thrown at me, I will take it as a reminder of who my true frens really are in my worst situations. For all who have shunned me, I will have seen the true colours of your friendship. I know I stand not amongst those of you who have a good life. I know my stand... I know my place. Worry not, I shall keep my distance. Fear not, I will not bother you again.
For now, I can only envy you. But jealousy is not the word. Envy is...envy in such a way it will be the motivation for me to better my life.To be better than yours mebbe. At least I still have a husband and loving boys. Boys who love me and know I do not look upon them as a burden. They are my pillar of strength. They are my source of endurance. No matter how tired or stressed I am, I come home to my boys and they lit a smile on my face. For that, I am grateful.
For now, I m waiting patiently waiting for my sunshine. If I am good Allah might just grant my wish a lil earlier eh?? hehe
Wistful for Love
11:28 PM
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Do you reli think I'd care what you say? Silly you.They may have acted on your behalf as if reli concerned about it but in actual fact only to enquire on your behalf? Dun I have better things to do? Yes I do.. really lah tak bedek.. more sob stories..but hold on ..wait a moment before you reach for tat hanky dear, I dun intend the sob stories for your knowledge. You only reap what you sow. Why do you think you are standing where you are now? Take a moment and think.
I dun blame or hate them for still being with you. I have no say cos I am neutral. I will stand my ground till you at least come forward to me. Why shouldn't I be the first one? Cos I didn't stab anyone in the back.
Ok now for more of my sob stories as some would call it. Have not been going to work the past few days. Instead have been running to and fro the hospital. Tired as I am, I dun know where I get the energy.Up in the morning, my morning being at least 9am, cook the daily lauk pauk for the family, pack stuff and off to the hospital till 9pm at night.
My mum haven't been admitted for some time which is a pretty good track record I would say. I almost lost track of my bearings around the hospital.All the familiar faces are now gone. Irene have gone overseas, chasing for greener pastures I heard. Of cos Thana is around.The only stable sign that I haven't gone to the wrong hospital heheh.The first thing I heard when I reach the ward was her voice. Hehehe good ole Thana. The ward nurses are also unfamiliar to me. Yet I can already see the different characteristics of the different teams. Mum have also developed her love-hate relationship with the different teams heheh.
But I miss the CAPD outpatient centre which has now moved to the PDC. Sigh what a long way off from the ward when I need to complain or refer something. Scary ok when I need to walk from the ward to the PDC ctr. Especially thru the desolated Blk 3 after SOC are closed.Somemore must walk thru the dark lonely carpark.Err I think I'll give it a miss if I reli have to go there at nite.I'd rather call the CAPD hotline hehehe.Its almost like my 3rd home tho.Now it's only a storage room.
Well, it'll be worse when I start work and have to go to the hospital from there. I tell ya, you'll soon see me dozing off in the NEL ard 9pm every nite then hehehe Just hope I dun drool which I dun normally do anyways hehehe..
Neways, just praying hard mum gets better.She won't be home at least the next 5 days as advised by the Doc. Shout out to my Chong and also my fren Izan for visiting Mum. Hmm must remember buy lotsa bananas for my mum tomorrow. Hope her K and Albumin levels rises soon enuff. I love you Mak.
I may be the degil nak mampos selalu menjawab and buat Mak marah nyer dotter, but I love you very much. Despite my nonchalant attitude to you and constant menyakitkan hati with my rough jokes, I do love you very much and I really care about you. I know you better than anyone else in the world. I'd be lost without you and you know it. You are my pillar of strength all this while helping me bring up my darling Apit and always supporting me in what I do no matter what others may say. No matter how people put me down you always backed me up and gave me the support I couldn't get from the people I loved. Thank you Mak. I know I will never be able to repay all your kindness to me.
Wistful for Love
11:43 PM
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If I am in your MSN contacts, you would see my nick as"Women: Bitches Men:Bastards" Why such a nick? I dunno, I see the world as such nowadays.
Women, they tend to bitch about each other no matter how close they are with each other. Natural women characteristics I guess. It's just a matter of how bitchy they are. It can be harmless but it can also lead to a lot of misunderstandings. Some even to the extent it will sow discord and friendships to be lost.I admit I do bitch a little. But I would say I bitch most to my best fren. Even then, I have been rather low profile nowadays. Like I said in my earlier entries, I'd rather be quiet and keep my mouth shut so no stories will come out. Whether it's about giving people a reason to bitch about me or myself to open my mouth and accidentally bitch about others. Not that I purposely bitch about others but a casual remarks could go a longggg way. People look at things from different perspectives and read things in different ways. It's just natural I guess that misunderstanding would occur. Hey, you can't please everyone no matter how much you try.
So why bother? I never really do. At times, yes I do get bothered but after a while, I clear my head and see it as just a lesson in life. I should learn from what happened and move on. I realise that I have to led my own life by my own decisions and instincts. No matter how much advise I get, it is still up to me to lead my life the way I want to. Friends come and go. I am glad I do have true friends like Ida, marcie and Miss Cutie who have been my friends for 15years. They have stood by me no matter how kepala angin I get or how celupar my mouth is. I guess they just understand that it is the way I am. I only hope I have been a good a friend to them as they have been to me.
As for "Men:Bastards" hmmm I guess they are just naturally bastards. Hehehe ..on a serious note, I have seen too many hearts broken, too many marriages dissolved. Why? Cos the men think with their dicks and not with their brain whereas we women mostly think with our hearts.I am not saying the women dun have a part to play. It always takes two to tango. Men fail to realize the repercussion of their short term folly. In the end, they will lose all that is precious to them. Is it worth that joyride I ask? Is the joyride worth all the tears your wives shed for you? What is the value of your wives' sweat and toil in working so hard to build up a good home and a happy family for you? My heart breaks when I see such things happening around me. Even more so when they have such young kids.
Again, this is part and parcel of life. We sometimes try too hard to be happy. We strive too hard to achieve the things beyond our reach. We forget about the simple pleasures we have in our grasps. The pleasures so easily achievable just by paying a little more attention to our loved ones. I want to write more but the words won't come to me. I am so overwhelmed with emotions rite now as I think back on my life and what my late Abah had taught me with his way of life. He taught me on the simple pleasure of life by always laughing with your children. He taught me to enjoy life while you can. There's no need for expensive overseas trips or gifts. He never gave me those. In fact, he gave me a lot more. He gave me lessons in life that made me strong enough to face all that have happened in my life. He taught me to realize who I am. To realize what I can achieve. He taught me never to give up no matter how hard it is. Most importantly, he taught me to love no matter what comes.
Till now I still remember the frequent trips we made as a family to Malaysia, to visit our many relations in different parts of Malaysia. Our long cramped journey in his trusted Mazda Bongo. All 11 of us cramped in that lil van for 8 hours stretches. How we enjoyed each others company. Our stay in the remote villages, swims in the rivers and dips in the natural waterfalls. I especially remember the taxi rides that I take frequently with him as he gave me a ride to work. The long chats we had during those rides and all our friendly debates. I will never forget Abah all that you have taught me. All that you have showed me.The love you showed for the family. And most of all your devotion and commitment to the family.
I miss you Abah each and every minute.
Wistful for Love
6:00 PM
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