~Pay it forward~
A long time fren did me a good deed today... I was very touched yet I felt shameful. Cos I was not a good friend to her as I would like to be yet she voluntarily offered her help. To her it wasn't much and refused my thanks..
Dear fren, do you know I do not have anyone who ever offered me help as readily as you did?? Not even my best fren. Well, mebbe becos they were not in a position to help me out. I understand that and having gone thru the same situation so many times,I had not even tot it was possible anyone would help me. So thank you once again from the bottom of my heart. Rest assured I will not forget your help and will one day pay it forward.
Oh one more thing, congratulations on the addition. InsyAllah everything will be fine and everything will turn out well for you. I pray that you will achieve the happiness and all that you aim for this year and that you and your family will be happy.After all you have gone thru so much in life, you deserve to be happy now.
**Remember my tip; Dun panic cos once you do, the wheel goes all over the place**winks**
Wistful for Love
4:42 PM
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~SHAME ON YOU!!!~
I've read about it and I dunno how to describe wat I felt.**Note the past tense cos I'm past caring*** I was angry,betrayed and sad to be condoned so by someone I least expected to be so hypocritical. When I told hubby about it he kept quiet and wouldn't say anything but I knew he too felt the same way. Tears welled up in our eyes and we both looked away...
Did you think that we had meant to do so?? We wouldn't dream of doing such a thing if they had not insisted on their accord! Do you think that we, the matured married parents who are adults would not have the decency and common sense to know and understand the matter better than you?
No, I know you didn't mentioned names but I felt the pinch and your message was loud and clear.Your finger was pointing directly at us!! DAMN!!!!I AM SO PISSED OFF!!!
Then I thought, why would you even think that way? You dun even know what kind of lives we were living.. mebbe you heard snips of conversations between the others?? If so, please my dear... dun judge! We are not at a disposition for the judgement of your likes. We might have owed you people something back then but we are now trying so damn hard to make a life together before we can even consider repaying the good deeds they might have done for us.. Good deeds? Would people doing good deeds expect to be repaid?? I doubt so if they had done it sincerely.
Anyway, we know where we stand. You didn't have such a good life as you do now when you just started either you know. Go check out your history before condemning us. Everyone has to start somewhere and its usually rite smack at the bottom most pits of life! Lucky for you, you just carried on from a comfortable level.
Well, I've cried my fair share of tears over this and I'm determined to stop them from falling down my cheeks as I write this. We know who we owe what. You dun have to teach us. You still have a longgggg way to go and so much more to understand. Why dun you just concentrate on your present stage of life and let us do our own worrying. We'll fight our own battles as we always had!
Man! You took a shot at me when I was most vulnerable to hurt and dissapointment. You added salt to my bleeding wounds! You know what? We've never meant to keep our distance and now we shall.
I've tolerated enough insults from you people. I dun owe you!!!! If I do, I will definitely repay as soon as I can!! You wanna wash your dirty laundry in public huh? SO HERE IT IS!!!!
Aku anak beranak tak makan ke tak minum tak pernah mintak merayu dengan korang!! Aku tak pernah pergi mengemis! Rumah berasap ke tidak, ada api air ke tidak, aku anak beranak ngadap sendiri!! Aku tak pernah menumpang rumah kau!! Kena caci kena hamun kita hadapi sendiri.. kita tak pernah mengadu dengan korang! Apa guna korang buat baik tapi korang mengungkit dan mengata belakang kita??? Buat apa jadikan kita buah perbualan ngumpatan korang??? Jauh seh dalam kepala otak kita U ARE THESE TYPE OF PEOPLE!!! Mulut bukan main manis berkata menghulur bantuan yang tidak diminta tapi hati kaldu!!! Hati busuk!!
SO THERE!!!! I hope you are satisfied!Cos honestly, I AM NOT!! Kau yang nak sangat buka pekong kat dada kan? Nah, ambik kau!!
Wistful for Love
1:27 PM
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~sadness~
At this point of time, I am engulfed with sadness and bitter dissapointment. For a lil more than 2 weeks, as tired as I was, I was on cloud nine even though I had tried my best to hide my eagerness. I thought the time had come... I was already dreaming of the day when it will actually arrive and how my life and my familys' would change after it's arrival. I was anticipating the moment I would be holding it in my hands.
Yet, dissapointingly, at 3pm this afternoon I found out it was not meant to be. I had lost something I thought I had, yet all this while I didn't even have it in hand.
I had accepted the fact that it was not meant to be. The time is not rite for me to receive the precious yet beautiful gift of Allah. I had initially thought I had not done enough or had done something bad to deserve this for I had been hoping for so long. I know now that He knows better when will be the rite time for me.
For now, I can only be grateful for all that I have and be content.I can only pray He, being the magnanimous and benelovant God would grate me the wish and dream I had so longed for...
Wistful for Love
6:54 PM
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~Tooooo Tired~
Too much of everything all at one time... running to n fro to KK and home, managing the house, welcoming baby Mohd Firman Satria home and caring for him day and nite since his mum was too weak from her C-sec op...
Been a lil more than a year since I haf last cared for a newborn baby 24hrs a day and I feel so drained out.... Apit adores the newcomer and sits down just looking at Baby Firman... At times I allow him to carry the baby in his arms and I see him lovingly patting the baby.... Apit gets angry when I took the baby away from him heheheh I guess it's high time he gets a lil sister or lil brother for himself ... insyAllah kalau ada rezki eh ...
well back at work and my darned Nyonya has taken a weeks leave.. so while I'm still shacked from my "maternity" leave, I haf to slog at work to cover her duties and mine!arghhh!!! I might not be blogging much unless i can find the energy to do so from home.. so ..til you hear form me again... tata!!
Wistful for Love
1:52 PM
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~Phew!!~
Arghhhhhh!! Erratic internet connections at work! Hectic chaos at home!! Main reasons why I was not blogging the past few days!!
Only got to relax yesterday when the whole family sat together to watch the finals of the Tiger cup. Was fun throwing insults at each other as my SIL was an Indonesian. She initially supported her country but as the game drew to a near, she got dissapointed with their game and went off to watch TV with my mum in her room!
It has been such a looooonnnggg time since I last got myself so engrossed in a soccer match. Its been a longer time since I've heard the Singapore Roar and seen the Kallang Wave. Esp in the 80s..I used to idolize Abbas Saad and Alistair Edwards..the deadly duo ...hehehehe...those were the days man!!
Aniwaes, I might be on hiatus end of this week as I hafta to shuttle to and fro to the hospital as my SIL is scheduled for her C-sec on Thursday and Hari raya Haji is on Friday.
Wistful for Love
9:58 AM
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~Nak gi Skool~
While other kids were busy going for their first day of school on Monday, my nieces were enjoying their holidays still. My niece attended Primary 1 only on Wednesday.My 2 other nieces only started their pre school yesterday.
And Apit got involved in all the excitement of it! Last Saturday he had come up to me and wailed,"Ma!! Apit nak skool!! Apit nak skool!" I had then pacified him and brought him out wif me to a wedding.
Then yesterday, the same senario was repeated as his 2 favourite cousins went off for their first day at pre school.He was throwing tantrums and shouting."Nek!!! Apit nak g olah!!! Nak itut g olah!!Apit nak g olah!!" Kesian nyer anak aku .... ghairah nak nak skool. He must be missing his weekly pre madrasah sessions which I have discontinued...
Then last nite as I was tutoring my Pri 1 niece, he sat down at the table and demanded," Ma!! Apit nak bajar!! Apit nak ulis!!" I gave him a pencil and paper, he got down to scribbling dunno wats.The funny things was, before starting on his scribbles, he went int o my room and came out wearing his Ayah's oversized songkok!!! Cute seh... hmmm I must go look for a pre school for him .. mebbe June/July intake huh???
Btw,I collected my DG yesterday which I had sent earlier last week for repairs! It's in official working order!!!!Lucky still under warranty else I have to pay $160 for the repairs..Phew! Hmmm now my fingers itching to snap pictures liao!!
Wistful for Love
8:56 AM
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~sigh.....~
Sigh...seems like my topic for this whole week will be on frens.. Why must life get more complicated as we grow older?? Gone are the days where our lives were so carefree and frens were in abundance...
Now we have to make difficult choices between our lifelong frens and our spouses.. I know I said before that now my family will be all that matters. Frens will be secondary to them .. I've had contradicting thoughts to all my previous posts..
Sigh .. I am so lucky that hubby never stopped me from meeting up wif frens unless of cos he has plans to go out with me n Apit..I've never had such a situation whereby I had to choose between hubby and frens.. Mebbe cos he's on shift work?? Not really, I have a fren whose hubby who is on shift work yet its difficult for her to meet us unless hubby is around so no girlfriend bonding wif her!!Even my own best fren has diffulty meeting me cos she is too committed to her work and her family...I see her like ermm once in a few months?? Even then there is no US time. I always have to share her with another fren or wif her hubby who's always tagging along.
So it's difficult now for me to find a friend to talk to ... nowhere to run , no one to turn to ... I find solace here in my blog where my fingers do the walking and in a funny kinda way, a way for me to destress.
A good friend told me this,"U are always there for your friends, and they take you for granted. Your hubby is always there for you and you take him for granted. Is it worth it??" Definitely not!
So does it mean that I should only meet up with my frens once in a blue moon so that they appreciate the friendship? Does it apply to my hubby too?? Definitely not rite?? So which is the rite path here?
Oh heck!! I think I shall prioritise my family lah .. they are wat matters rite? Only in access time shall I consider frens..If I'm free den I go out wif you ok?? If not sorry, I either have to work or spend time wif my family ok?? Ohh!!! Ohh!!! Ohh!!! not forgetting, IF I HAVE THE MONEY!!I can't possibly go out if I have no money rite?? Unless of course, hehehe your treat???
But hey dun worry! You'll aways be my frens... If you choose to ignore me.. so be it.. we all have diffrent lives to lead.I can understand that.I can accept watever decision you choose to make. Just dun slam me behind me... if there's anything I ever did to hurt you, pray tell me. So I would know.I qoute,
" Someone would never know what the hell is going on till he is told if what is happening or happened, be it a lie or the truth, in any way and any means possible to him."
Wistful for Love
1:42 PM
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~Happy 27th!!~
Happy 27th Birthday
Juliana!!May all your dreams come true and all your hopes fulfilled!!!!May this day brng happiness for you amongst your friends and family.
Diam tak diam dah 14 tahun kita berkawan. Hey I might not have always been there for you dear friend and I'm sorry for those times I wasn't. We might not the closest friends but hey at least we are still friends huh??
Friends are angels who lifts us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly
A minute;
They say it takes a minute to find a special someone, an hour to appreciate them,a day to love them but then an entire life to forget them
The language of friendship is not words, but meanings...
~Henry David Thoreau~
Frienship is never established as an understood relation.
It is a miracle which requiers constant proofs.
It is an exercise of the purest imagination and of the rarest faith!!-Henry David Thoreau
Treat your friends as your do your pictures, and place them in their best light!!
Wistful for Love
12:30 AM
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~So wat??!!!~
So wat if you have more than wat I have?? So wat??!! Do I have to reduce to being a beggar just becos I need a favour from you?? So wat if I need to borrow your car?? So wat if I can't afford to buy my own car??
Do you have to flaunt wat you have? Do you have to look down on me that way?? I didn't even want to borrow your car!! I wanted to rent it!!! I know my own situation!! I know it's your car and its your prerogative!!
Just by looking at me you'll think like "Huh!! She'll never be able to own a car!! Muka nampak sah muka menumpang kreta orang jek!! Harapkan simpati orang!!"
Damn!! Am I tat low to you??? Okay fine!! I'll never ask to borrow or even rent your car anymore!! I know I can't afford to own a car! Not in my current situation anyway.But I will not let you step on me and insult me in such a way!! No way!! I do have my pride you know!!
I've had to thicken my skin so many times to ask for loans from people and in the end, earned myself the looks of disgust from you people!! I know I can't afford to go out everyday and enjoy the company of friends like I want to. Heck I can't even afford to buy myself new clothes!!
I know how you look at me ... pretending to be nice and to be my fren but behind me you talk about me and insult me, calling me names. I heard about wat you did!! Ya rite!! So wat?? At least I dun double cross my frens!! At least I am honest!!
Sigh! Woe is me that have to face such a fate! I accept my fate and constantly set small goals for myslef to achieve. Hey at least I obtain my licence thru my own hard work and my own money! Damn you!! How did you get your licence huh?? Government sponsor per in NS!! Just becos you got picked as a driver!! Mak bapak sponsor??? Lucky you!! Mak bapak belikan kreta??? Senang ah hidup kau!!!
Woe is you who dun have to struggle to own your own things and achievement! Well, for your info, I had to work damn blardy hard to earn myself my first handphone at the age of 20 mind you!!! With my own hard earned money! I forsook many lunches at work to save enough to go for my own Certificates!! It may be small trivial matters to you but they mean the world to me.
Arghhh!! Why do I even care huh?? You are nothing to me!! Next time I'd rather pay more to rent from a rental company rather than from you, you blardy ass!!Oh ya, next time, dun come running to me you need help with anything ok?? I have the skills I own now credits to .. ermm to who huh?? Oh ya!! Myself!!Need to write an official letter?Deal with it yourself!Kau tak pernah gi skolah ke?? Tulis surat pon tak tau! I am sick of being a good samaritan! To you only!!
Wistful for Love
11:12 PM
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~Overwhelmed~
Overwhelmed with soooo many problems..is there no end to it??Never mind,take one things at a time...I can't think anymore..
Felt like eating bread pudding..asked lilac for her recipe..but so many hitaches ..in the end, it tasted like yucksss!!! Not enuf sugar so all I tasted was erm... butter??? heheheh never mind, I will try again ...
Bogged down wif work and some teething problems at home. Have to readjust to having 11 people in my house now.. my SIL with a baby due anytime now, my sis and my 3 nieces .. all staying wif me now..
I will no longer enjoy the peace I used to have at home ...but at least more merrier hehehe ..Apit is so happy to have friends at home... he is getting out of control.. getting more stubborn, answering back and biting at his whim and fancy.. arghhhh ..how do I deal wif him?? I spanked him but my heart breaks each time I do that. And he doesn't learn from the spankings.. mummies out there!!!! helpppp!!!!!
Wistful for Love
11:23 PM
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~A whole new Year~
It's a year since I last blogged... hahah I know I know.. bad joke.. has it been a week?? less?? dunno.. On leave from werk from 31/12-04/01 . So is hubby. We decided to spend some quality time together at home with beloved prince, Apit.
My colleagues are asking me why am I wasting my precious leave so early into the new year?? Is it a waste spending time wif my family at home?? Just becos we can't afford to go anywhere even for a short holiday?? Nope! Time at home is well spent. Apit is learning to use the pc!!!! Imagine tat!! My darling 2 year old!
Actually the reason why I wanted to spend the new year at home is because of 2 narrow brushes with death on Thursday, 30th December. Yes, both incident happened on the same day within a few hours of each other.
First one happened while my colleague was driving me home from work. Just behind us, before we exited the TPE into Punggol, the car behind us overtook by 3 lanes. The driver must either be on the phone or did not check his blindspot. The fast cars in the third lane slammed into him and we saw smoke and another car ramming into them. If my colleague had been another meter nearer the cars, we would have been involved too. Ya Allah, the 2 of us were shaking and he had to park his car for a while before driving off again.
I went out again later that evening after freon and lilac fetched me to go to town. Believe me if I had known they were going into town which I really hated, I would not have gone. Were having our dinner at Far East, dinner which had just started. We saw people running and shouting at us to run. Fire!! Fire!! they shouted. We initially tot it was a prank but when we started smelling smoke, we paid for our food and evacuated the building. Shops were being hastily closed, the alarms were ringing. We stood at the pedestrian bridge to see where the fire was, we saw 4 fire engines coming. I felt the bridge shaking. Initially I tot it was my imagination or I was shaking out of fear but freon felt it too and we rushed off the bridge before anything untowards happened. I am glad we came out of it unhurt and even more glad I escaped a second time!It was too much for one evening!!!
Ever since the Tsunami disaster, I have been crying each time I watch CNA showing pictures of death! Dead bodies lying around rotting,laying rigid in rows. It especially tugged at my heart to see rows of corpses of children and babies being laid out.The insanity of an Sri Lankan mother, raving on the sight of her daughter's body.The tears of a man in Penang who had to bury 5 of his 7 children. Even as I am typing this my tears are flowing freely.Call me sentimental if you want.
I pray every chance I get that my family is protected by Him. I am so grateful that I sleep peacefully at nite, knowing that my son is safe. So grateful I can go to work and come back late without worrying about natural calamities befalling my family!I've always had the philosophy that no matter how difficult my life is, there are other facing worse than me. The disaster have truly shown me how blessed I am. I dun dare to ask for more that wat I have now. I have my mum, husband, son and siblings around me. I only strive to make our lives better but will never forget wat we have gone through.
Being financially poor, I have had to almost beg for favours from people. People treat me like scum just because I had, at one time gone around borowing money to pay for my utility bills.Debts accumulating becos I had to pay for my mum's high dialysis bills and hospital bills.Bills that have since dried out even my Medisave which I have saved for almost 10 years. Debts from friend which I have since cleared. I know now that no one will help me in times of needs. I know they try to avoid me and dun ask me out wif their cliques cos they know I dun have the means to pay for what they will be buying or going. Each time I go anywhere is only becos I shamelessly wanna tag along. I know better now. I have been insulted and looked down upon. I have cried tears that are so worthless for these so called frens and colleagues. I had to go through these humiliations and I have time and again put on a thick skin and gone through it so many times.I have realised that wat Hamida said is true. Family matters most. Friends are secondary to them.
I know there some of you out there who are pretentiously being my friend. You say you will be there when I need you but you never are! I may not be as well off as you to have what you have. I dun mind. I know my time will come. I know that I am a sincere friend who will help even if I have to stretch my last dollar to do so. I do it sincerely and without expecting anything in return.Yet, when it comes to my turn to ask a favour from my frens, they shun me away.It's okay.What goes around comes around my friend.
I have gone through many hardships in my life.The lil luxuries I have now, I earned with much struggle and sweat.I have slowly built up my life with my own toil and sweat and not by being born with a silver spoon in my mouth. Nor have I been spared the cane by my parents and have everything that I wanted thrust into my hands. I had to study and work hard just to earn just a big bar of Nestle chocolate from my parents.I had to earn a placing in the top 3 of my class every year just to earn that bar of chocolate.How precious is that bar of chocolate to me, even now.
I know this is an especially long entry and I am lamenting about my life. I just wanna let all my frustrations out. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go hug my son!
Wistful for Love
9:49 PM
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