~Ode to my Siblings~
Weekend was spent purely at home.Did the laundry and my siblings,nieces and nephews came over and spent the weekend at my house. There was never a moments peace I tell you but... it was fun. We laughed and joked...
It's during such moments that I rekindle my love for my family.Most of the times, they just hound me with their problems, running to me, expecting me give them a solution to their miseries, often forgetting that I have more responsibilities than them, facing bigger problems than them. They think I'm their blardy Messiah!!
I would have taken all these in my stride if I was the eldest and often the one to look up to in times of needs but I'm the 8th child of 9 siblings for goodness sake!!!
Sigh.. such is my fate. I love my family and will do anything for them. They went to great lengths when I was young to protect me from Mum's beatings whenever I was out of line (which was often enough) and ended up getting the cane stripped across their legs and arms instead.
I was their nurse whenever the boys came home bleeding either from motorbike accidents or from the frequent fights they had. Holes in the head, bloodied knees and what nots. I've seen it all.
I ever did the ablution for my 6th brother(who suffered from amnesia after a serious accident) did his business. By then he was in his early 20's and I was already a teenager. It was such an embarassing and awkward moment, more for him rather than me I believe.He was helpless then and only surrendered to his fate and his limp almost lifeless body to those around him..When he was able to move around on his own but yet unable to control his bowel movements, he would drag himself to the toilet as soon as he could but there was an incident when I woke up one night smelling a foul smell(my room was the master bedroom with the attached toliet then), I switched on the lights and found that my beloved brother had shitted all the way from the fronnt bedroom to my toilet.
I gave him a clean pair of trousers and quietly cleaned up after him. My late Abah woke up while I was scrubbing the floors and he just sighed and patted me on the head.A sign, I knew, that he silently acknowledged and appreciated my efforts to help my brother.
We never talked about it till now. My brother is happily married with 4 kids!! Imagine that! I know that he appreciates all that I have done for him, for now, whenever I need a favour from him,he goes out of his way to help me.
My siblings stand together in times of needs.In our old estate in Haig Road, everyone knows the Sharif family. U trifle with one of them, get ready to face all 9 of us! Yes, even the 2 girls!! We may not be rich monetarily but I so proud that we stand in unity and rich in love for one another! So strong is our bond, even our spouses have a tough time getting through.
I love you guys so much!!! There may be times I was rude to you, raising my voice seeming insolent to you but believe this, I have always respected you guys no matter what you have done. You guys may be pests to the society, dirt to the public but you will always be my beloved brothers and sister! I will be there for you and will do my best to help within and sometimes beyond my means! All because I love you and you are my siblings!
Wistful for Love
1:59 AM
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~Waffles and Fondue~
Suddenly craving..... yum yum ... anyone up for it?
Alah yok lah kluar!!!! Coffeebean ke Starbucks pon jadik lah!!!
Gerlsssssssss..... where r youuuuuuuuuuuuuuu????
Wistful for Love
1:08 PM
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~Updates!!~
Been bogged down wif work, high fever and wat nots again. Its hard working with petty ole people.Had a high fever of 39-40degrees.But still had to work as the nyonya took a series of timeoff, mc and leave .Yes, the same nyonya who took mc and 2 weeks leave on the 5th day of Hari Raya.
As my mum had already paid for a car rental, I drove the family down to Melaka on Sunday,even wif my high fever. My first time driving on Malaysias highway. Was super fun driving fast but dun worry, I know my limits.We reached there safely to and fro. Went to visit an ole family fren. My late Abah’s best feren actually. Since Abahs demise, we haven’t seen each other for 6 years. There were lots of hugging, crying and kissing. Spent half a day there, and went sight seeing at Bandar Hilir. The kids were so happy to see the big ships and planes. Stopped over at Air hitam for some shopping.Apit got himself the “AiderMan”(Spiderman) suit, complete with the mask mind you! And also and Aiderman backpack!! Hehehe kecik kecik dah pandai mintak ni sume!
Reached SG around 1am, slept at 3am and went to work 3 hours later.boy was I groggy..
Met up wif the gerls(freon,lilac,deedee,trina,nurul and lizda) after werk at Starbucks Tampines and chatted for a while den headed home. Shared a cab wif lilac.We chatted about the different frens that came and went in our life. After lilac alighted, I chatted wif the cab driver about the same topic.
I dun have a wide circle of frens but my circle of frens has a variety of traits and characters. Theres the scatterbrained beauty, the miss high & mighty, the lil imp who gets on wif everyone, the weakling mummy who falls sick at the slightest thing, the ever resourceful energetic mummy,the one who always plays the frens out, the bimbos, the sickly casanova wannabe.. and the bitches who ermmmm ,well bitch around??(shrugs shoulder) and many more..but many are those who dun make an effort to make the friendship works..
Those I cant “click” wif I treat them as an aquaintance nevertheless keeping in contact now and then with the occasional sms or email..the best frens around me have been my frens for more than 10 years now and still counting...
My point is, my frens are the next most important thing to me besides my son. They are the ones who offer their shoulder for me to cry on. They were my pillar of strength, edging me on each time I set out to undertake a new challenge. They offer me advise and guidance. My source of happiness is just being wif them . There is bound to be tears each time we meet up. Why tears? Tears from peals of laughter from joking and teasing each other. I dun choose my frens neither do they choose me . They are who they are and I gladly accept them for who they are. It only takes a bit of adjustments for us to accommodate each other. That is our secret to a lifetime of friendship.
So my dear frens,
I love you for who you are. I appreciate your friendship.I may have hurt you in ways I know was never intentional so forgive if I did. Your many varieties of traits and characters spice up my life.Life would be boring if everyone had the same traits wont it?hari hari makan belacan pon jelak per,sesekali mau gaks makan steaks!!ahakss
Wistful for Love
1:37 AM
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~Message in a bottle~
Was watching the Amazing Race and waited for my weekly dosage of CSI Miami.. hmmm Message in a bottle??I've watched the movie several times..as the show started I started to recall the storyline ...and my tears rolled down my cheeks..I've always been a sucker for romantic movies but this particular movie touched me deep in my heart..
Based on a romantic novel by Nicholas Sparks, it tells a story of true everlasting love.. of a man loving his wife so much its hurts him.. esp when his wife dies and how this lady reporter went in search of him after finding several messages he wrote to his wife after her death ...one of which his late wife had written before she died..and how the reporter and him healed each other and found love in each other again...
How many of us hope to find that kinda love in our life?? How our partner would appreciate us so much??How many of us had found love and lost?? Have we found the person who would have healed us?? One who would bring love again into our life?? Love as great as the one we lost?Or mebbe even greater and purer?
Our true love dun haf to buy us expensive gifts or flowers so often it becomes meaningless.. One who would say so often "you are so beautiful".. u would find yourself wondering one day, how much does his words carry the truth that he hides in his heart? "Does he actually mean You are fat?"
If he says "I love you" too often,do they lose their significance?? Would you then find yourself asking, "Does he mean wat he says? Why is he saying it so often?? Did he do something unfaithful behind my back??Is he wearing a mascarade?Is his frequent profession of love for me a mirage of wat he doesn't feel anymore?"
"You are my true north" G wrote this to his late beloved Catherine...and by reading his letter.. u can feel the honesty in his words.. how sincere he was in penning down those words.. words he didn't say when Catherine was alive ...
Do we always do that? Only know how to appreciate our true love when they are no longer around? When we have lost them? Wat about now??!!!When he is laying down next to you at nite? When he sits next to you on the sofa watching the corny dramas u so loved?You could just reach out and hug him or kiss him ..
Analysing this, I realised, Heck! I haven't found my
True North. Although I tot I had... No, I haven't. I dun feel I am your
True North either..I dun feel appreciated... nor do I feel the love I am supposed to..
Should I hunger for this? I dun ask for shinies nor cold hard cash .. I never had.. I am used to living a hard life.. My parents taught me well .. they taught me to be independant and strong... but this facade of mine is slowly fading away ..I used to be independant and strong.. but you are wearing me down...bit by bit...
No matter how much I have achieved or how far I have gone, I need to be loved.. I've always imagine my true love would treat me well as in loving me and making me feel appreciated ..Actions DO speak louder than words my dear...
I hurt when you spend your nites awake playing games,chatting or just surfing and I am alone in bed waiting for you to come and lay down next to me and just hold me.. I unconciously fall asleep with dashed hopes..I wake up with u sleeping next to me after a nite of facing your pc and helping others be happy wif that chat site.. yet you are facing away from me..
You dun think twice about sacrificing your sleep for that site yet you grumble when I ask for help with my blog... U sleep in the daytime when here I am sick to the core and crying to bear the pain the gastric caused me yet I manage the family ... You'd sacrifice your sleep to do overtime yet you fall asleep almost immediately when you reach home...you dun listen when I try to reach out to you ... Instead, you drown me in your sorrows and problems, expecting me to solve them, yet you scoff at my suggestions.
I am trying so hard to accept my life as it is .. I am grateful for the beautiful gift God had given me.. a son so wonderful that he understands me better than you do .. A son who hugs and kisses me when I am down .. A son who comes and wipes away my tears when I hide in a corner,hurting too much to see you ...
I try so hard to live my life fully .. to provide for my family ... to overcome the obstacles that come my way .. to get over the waves of sadness that engulfs me every now and then ... and I dream ever so often, I sometimes confuse them with reality..
And I shall continue dreaming .. and working towards that wonderful life I've always dreamt of..With or without you!
P.S. By this entry, I do not mean to put you down..I am just expressing the words you dun seem to ever wanna hear..I am soo sorry if I hurt you in anyway by this..I hoping you will realize no matter wat, I just want our lives together to get better ...I dun wanna live this way for the rest of my life...I hope you understand better now..
Wistful for Love
12:02 AM
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~Arghhh!! Wat the F***??~
Wat is this I hear when I reached office this morning after 3 days of MC?? Pssttt .. haf u heard?? Nope, heard wat??? No performance bonus leh ... Not only that, 13th mth bonus also they are gonna scrap!!! Our Export not making money!! And U noe wat?? What?? Our dept is the prolific one!...Our import profits are used to pay the bills!! HUH??
Wat the f***??? Cialat lah like that!!! So many bills hoping for bonus waiting to be settled!! Wat about my colleagues with kids going to school in January??Den so many of us took advance pay for Hari Raya wif the hope that wif the bonus,the payback cut won't sting so much... now everybody's hopes are crushed...
The morale at work is so low .... Everybody deep in their own tots as to how to manage this year end...sighhhh...how did I ever end up in this pernicious stingy company I will always wonder...
WAIT!! There is a ray of light ...Source from prominent figure in the company assured us the 13th month bonus is still on...Yippeeee there is hope ...
Now, better calculate wat to pay with tat 13th month bonus ... afiter CPF deduction, sigh .. left with peanuts... well better than nothing ... oh well, no luxuries or treats for me this bonus!!
~Taufik Update~
Pstttt I heard on Ria this morning tat Taufik is getting engaged this 1st Jan.. how true is tat?? I dunno?? They say wait for Manja January issue lor ... last he was buzzed about having a relationship with Leandra mah ..hehe I sound like a gossip column huh??Well, my site IS dedicated to him wat!! hehehe ..Dun like it?? buzz offf!!
Wistful for Love
1:35 PM
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~Taufique Fanatic~
Yes I know, I sound pathetic huh?? Wat to do?? The last time I was so obsessed wif an artist was during my sceondary school days...Oh no dun worry I'm no fanatic fan that hounds Taufik's very show nor do I chase him around...
I feel its enuff by devoting moi blog and dedication to him.oh ya must buy his album too!I voted numerous times for him..Haiyah scared to see my HP bill..Aniwaes, I dun idolise him for his sweet looks, Yes, I only find him sweet looking .. the type where you won't get tired of staring at ...
Why then? Cos he worked very hard to get where he is...Amidst rehearsals, photoshoots and werking nite shift to finish up his NS... Man he must be so tired!Yet he never fails to smile and give his best for each show...I salute him ..
He looked like he lost a lot of weight when he performed for the Ihklas show..
Most important thing of all, he made his dream come true! Something which I have yet to achieve...For now, I can only dream...
My gastric didn't go away.. Had to Go to Raffles Medical this morning..Doctor confirmed it was gastric and I was given two days of MC. Sigh no more Caffeine for me..no coffee ..no tea.. no spicy food.. arghhh worst of all no fags!!! Damn!!
Wistful for Love
9:12 PM
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~Nuries Hari Raya garthering~
I know it's rather late but like they say better late than never!!! The Nuries gals and families had their 2004 Hari Raya Gathering at Lin's place. Wat to do? Everyone was so tied up wif their own family comitments and other stuff so we didnt haf the chance to go jalan jalan ... We decided to set up a perjumpaan instead..
It was loads of fun... teasing and karaoke.. watched the kids at play ... They are all growing up so fast ... Was nice to see each of us settled down wif kids and to see each others' kids grow up together...
I almost didn't make it to the gathering....I never had gastric before so I didn't know wat hit me! I was curling up in a ball and crying on my bed... it came and went ... So in between the excruciating pain, I had to prepare the Lodeh, sambal tumis telur puyu and also marinate the chix wings..lucky Beloved Mum was helping out.. After suspecting it was gastric, I took some Antacid and the pain got bearable...
Hopefully, it will go away ... hubby made me a cup of Horlicks to help wif the acidity in tummy...
Wistful for Love
11:59 PM
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~Pizza Sanwiches~
Was lazing around after a day of MC on Friday.Got off my bum and made pizza sandwiches... yummyyyy
Den off I went to cuzz's place a few block away to enjoy the repeat telecast of the crowining of
Taufik as OUR FIRST SINGAPORE IDOL!! Was fun gawking at him wif my cuzzins...
Den went home and off to bed.. dunno why but I've been feeling so lethargic the past few days...
Wistful for Love
11:45 PM
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~Happy Berthday dear fren!~
We sure had loads of fun today didn't we?? Stuffed ourselves full!! Max brenners for desserts(before our main course??hmmmm..) Then off to Mak's Place for supper!! I liked the kecoh taxi ride, the sporting taxi apek!!Boy were we a crowd!!It was fun wasn't it bitching about crap!! heheh should do it some time soonnnn ... ahh Sunday's our next date huh?? And dun forget the planned New Year Eve!!!!I just can't wait!!
Tapikan nak kata paling kecoh are those two gila gerls.. yg dua orang tu.. alahhh yg dulu selalu ponteng skolah konon gi main tennis!!! heheheheh I miss you gerls oredi lah!! But my main point iss...........
Happy berthday dearest Zuraidah!! Always the last to celebrate her berthday!! hehehe aniwaes I wish many happy returns of the day and may Allah bless you with all the happiness in the world!!!!
Wistful for Love
1:52 AM
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~I still hate U!~
It's been so many months ago yet I wonder why I still have this deep hatred for
YOU!Me??? One whose heart can't bear to hurt her friends?
No! I dun envy
YOUR looks or
YOUR watever!! I believe I have more than
U do! Whose the single toyed with?? Not me definitely! I am married with a darling son! I dun envy
YOUR lifestyle! Always having to put up a front! An mirage to others of wat
U are not!
I may be monetarily poor but at least I earn my money honestly and thru my own hard work! I dun steal nor cheat! I dun go begging here nor there! I dun manipulate my friends to do things to my own advantage! I have a family to go home to everyday and friends so dear, we are practically sisters! Friends whom I grew up with! And now we are all married with kids!
U have any of that? NOPE! Why?? Cos
U betray your friends..U hurt them! U are selfish! Consider a thoughts for wat
YOUR friends might be going thru? NAH!! Not
U!!U are too self absorbed!
I dun feed on innocent minds, constantly telling them what crap the world is! The whole world is against
U?? It's
your own doings!
U keep saying
U haven't stepped on anybody's toes so dun step on
yours! Wat bullshit! What were
you thinking when
you said that? Were
you even awake?I believe in KARMA too
U know! What goes around comes around! No lah,
U haven't got
your just desserts!This is just the cheery on top.. InsyAllah, it's coming soon...
Whichever way I look at it,
U are on the losing end.. Be careful dear!! Be very careful... open
your heavily made up eyes bigger when
you cross the roads..
In case U forgot, its look right first then left and lastly right again!! For
YOUR case, better do that twice!
Wistful for Love
2:08 AM
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~Do u really know me?~
How well do you know your best friends? Your partner? Your soulmate?
You never know from a glance wat is going on in that person's life.No matter how close you are to him/her, there is bound to be some secret kept hidden deep in his/her heart. Meant to be kept hidden and buried together with them in their grave.
Can you tell? Underneath my cheerful smiling diposition, how badly I am suffering? How much I am crying? How hurt I am and how bad I'm bleeding? Do you know? This excruciating pain I have?Do you even care?
All everyone wants, is for me to put on a cheerful smiling face. For me to be strong and be the pillar of strength for them to lean on. Little do they know, I'm slowly crumbling... bit by bit..little by little, pieces of me are falling off.Yet no one notices..they are happily getting on with their friends and happy watever nots.. no I am not angry nor am I jealous.. I accept that people lead different lives and have different fates...
I am just a face in the crowds..not significant neither do I wanna be.. I dun go for glamourous things nor anything that would catch other peoples' attention..I am not an attention thirsty freak!
Do do I turn to? Who can be my pillar of strength? I am desperate..I am no angel.I have done things I am not proud of. Yet, those are the most valuable lessons life can ever teach me..I grew from those lessons...
I feel so alone... I feel suicidal..Apprehension engulfs me everytime I awake from my sleep ...try as I may to rectify the situation, it jus keeps getting worse... If I am dead, I dun hafta to think anymore ..let them face their own devils! But am I ready to face HIM? To answer to HIM? I know I am not.
All I want, is for my life to be better..for me to be aprreciated.by those who matter to me... I wanna pursue my dreams ... but each time I try, I only get Pyrrhic Victory..sigh..Why do I even try?
Wistful for Love
2:46 PM
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~Taufik!U r my Idol!~
He was damned power man!!! Esp when he sang Hoobastanks The Reason!!! My heart just melted....
Both hubby and me voted non stop for him!! Yaaaaaaaaaaa he won!!!!
But the ridiculous replies havent stopped from yesterady till now!! Hmm how many votes did I cast?? At least 2 hundred?? Coz thats the no of replies I got and still counting!
Wistful for Love
8:50 AM
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~Finally!The much awaited break!~
The blardy ceenah b**** is back! I get to relax at work now...but my hari raya is all gone... and I am so darned tired....My energy is all drained out... been hard at work ..staying in the office till 1am in the morning for the past few weeks... When at home, hafta rush the housework and handle Apit...
I need a break .... badly!! Now I am facing tonnes of personal problems ... I shall be on a hiatus for a while..i need to get my mind back to working order.. rite now, its just blank ... I can't think ...I m like walking around in a daze ...
You might not hear from me for a while... so dun miss me ok...
Wistful for Love
11:12 AM
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