Contemplation
~Contemplations~
The past few days were days of contemplations, about many things;work..my family..my life basically..
I was contemplating about taking major steps in all aspects of my life.. steps that would make drastic changes in my life. Steps that would hurt many people in my life. Especially my family. Selfish steps I would call them.
For once in my life I wanna put myself before others. I'm so sick of being the one to always put myself last,to always let myself be hurt. To always suffer in silence..to always be the strong one..
I pushed aside my wants,my needs,my dreams. All in lieu of my family, for my beloved son, Afiq. In a way, the change I was contemplating to take is for his happiness... But would he be happier with the changes I intend to take?
After contemplating, comes another set of contemplation and so on and so forth. Am I strong enuff to take those steps? Do I have the courage?
I have lived my life for others. Lived my life alone. I wanna be free. I want the life that I've always dreamt of .. I wanna accomplish my dreams... Most of all, I want the love that I've been so deprived of..
Where did all those promises go? Where did all your aspirations go to? Down in the gallows as far as I'm concerned.. I can't live like this any longer .. My energy is depleting fast .. Every nite now, silent tears roll freely down my cheeks ..I'm not the person I used to be.. I wasn't this weak nor tired when I lost Abah and had to fend for my family singlehandedly..I feel so much more alone now ...
Can't you see? Can't you see my wounds? Cant't you see my bloodied tears? Can't you hear my desperate cries? Open your eyes!!! For goodness sake! I'm dying inside !! I'm slowly fading away!! You are no longer hearing my voice.. I feel like I'm slowly growing insignificant in your life.. Will you wake up only after I'm gone?
BY then, it'll be too late.. and there's nothing you can do...
Wistful for Love
11:22 PM
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