What have I been up to since I failed my test?? Getting depressed at home and werk!!!!!So many things have happened but I dunno if I have the energy to put it down in words for you....
I read Watie's blog and this gerl of 22 was lamenting about life that as she grows older,there seems to be more problems and obstacles she has to go thru.. well gerl, you ain't seen nothing yet!!!
True, life gets harder as you grow older. At times I felt so despondent, I feel like just ending everything in watever way I can but I always brush myself up and think that as difficult as its seems my life is getting, there are others facing much more difficulty than me... And I read someone's blog ,I qoute" God will never test you more than you can handle" It's very very true I guess...
I have gotten over so much the last 10 years.. been thru so much... the passing of my beloved father, the betrayal of my then fiance,my mother getting terminal illness, the hardships of providing for my family singlehandedly and so much more... I wonder where I get all that strength from?? Friends tell me that I'm a strong woman...but where does all my perseverence come from?? I wonder....
Rite now at this stage of my life, I'm facing yet another test from God.. Am I gonna lose my beloved mother soon?? She keeps on talking about her death and telling me wat to do upon her death..how depressing can tat be???
When I think back about it, even though I haven't been on good terms with my mum since young, always squabbling with her, she is my very best of friend.. She always supports me when I venture into something new..always telling me not to give up halfway.. always on my side when I am unhappy wif someone...Always there to hear me complain about this and that ... always telling me where I went wrong if it was my fault...
No matter how she grumbled, she would always show me her concern in not so obvious ways...
I dunno how I will go on if I lose her...
Mak,
Mebbe I never really told you that I love you...
Mebbe I have never been the good daughter that you always wanted me to be..
Mebbe I am not able to give you the good life that you deserve after bringing up me till I'm married and am a mother myself...
Mebbe I haven't always been there for you..
Mebbe I wasn't there for in your times of needs..
But the one true thing that I do know I have is ...
My tremendous love and appreciation that I have for you..
The admiration and respect that you worked so hard and never indulged in anything for yourself...
The courage you showed when Abah went away and I deserted you in your times of needs..
The loneliness you feel now...
Thank you so much Mak..
for all that you have done for me and the family...
For all that I have and will do for you..I pale in comparision..
Wistful for Love
12:48 PM
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36 points!!!!!! arghhh and becoz of my silly mistakes!! hmm the tester oso not fair .. I admit I did hit the pole .. 4 points only mah!! he put it as knock down the pole so I got 10 points!!!!! so unfair.. and he stopped me in the middle of the S course and tried to find fault wif my driving!!! arghhhhhh!!!!!! so frustrating siah!!! wat a waste .. and I did all the courses ok man!!!! uwahhhhh!!!!!!
Never mind try again in August..right now, I wanna wallow in my failure... I wanna cry so badly!!!! uwahhhhhh!!!At least I can be proud I didn't have any immeidate failures boy!!!
Wistful for Love
3:18 PM
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Hmm Monday is here and almost gone again....I was dissapointed wif my colleague today..Been "bubbled" by him so many times.. will no longer trust or be good to him anymore!! Arghhhh he made me sooooooo mad!!!
Had fun wif my baby today...sooooo cute. He's learning to talk and u know wat?? He memorized the whole Ricola advert on TV!!! From beginning to end!! soo cute.. erkekekek he makes me forget all my sorrows man!!!
2 more days to my driving test.. dunno how that will turn out ..i already have the shivers today!! ahaksss !! Must be worse on the actual day man! Hopefully I get a good tester and if in the event I do fail(cett!!!Touchwood!!!) I could plead and beg for him to let me pass... hmm how shall I do that? Any good ideas anyone???ahakss
Wistful for Love
11:11 PM
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Wat am I doing stiil at the pc at this time?Frankly.. I dunno the answer either..for one thing, I've made up wif my cuzz..good for us..Ida's on the way to recociling her two frens too erkekeke..so this is the weekend for making up huh??
My eyes are getting better but my throat still hurts..shd start drinking more plain water instead of carbonated water all the time..
better get some sleep or else won't be able to get up later ..have to send my baby to skool and have a driving lesson in between.. my test is 3 days away!!! Arghhhhh so soonnn???!!!
Wistful for Love
1:46 AM
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I didn't go to the docs yesteray and turned up for werk today .. Coz hubby didn't want me to get in trouble at werk .. BUT I'm still sick!!!! How come I have to take leave and care for the sick when other are sick but when I'm sick, I still have to do all the housewerk and care for my son??? The epitome of being a woman????? arghhhhh so frustrating.....
Guess wat?? My cuzz smsed me yesterday and apologized for wat happened. I actually cried!!!! Can you believe it?? I cried becoz even though I was no longer angry at her, I knew that our relationship would not be the same any more.. I no longer wish to put myself in that position where I'm so vulnerable to getting hurt especially by those so close and dear to me..
Ida is now on her way to KL for 4 whole days!!!! whoa .. really envy her.. I haven't gone for a holiday for a longgggggggggggggg time.... I'm so physically and emeotionally tired, I'm predicting a mental breakdown soon ....
Wistful for Love
12:58 PM
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Its a Wednesday...horaayyy midweek... hmmm I'm was on 2 days Mc since yesterday.. having a really bad case of sore eyes.. its still very red now so might have to go to the doc's again today ...if I get somemore mc I dunno whether to go ahead wif the mc or to go to werk?? The past three weeks I have either been on urgent leave or on mc and I'm pretty sure the guys at werk are not very happy...
Remember the petty lil quarrel I had wif my cuzzin? Well, its been blown so out of proportions to the point that we are severing our kinship... Is that possible?? We?? Who are so close knit like siblings?? All because of money.. well money is the root of all evil isn't it?? Sigh somehow I dun feel bad.. rather I feel relieved that I dun have to take anymore crap from her!! All thses years I have been giving in and so tolerant of her behaviour yet in the end this is what I get??
Better I just concentrate on my own family and frens... no point having relations if they're only out to take advantage of you.
Wistful for Love
1:16 PM
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Hmmm is it the weekend for petty quarrels??? Ida quarelled wif her fren .. I quarrelled wif my cuzzin.. and all for petty lil things...
Wat to do Ida?? some people take others for granted. When the time comes for them to ask for help then they will realize who their real friends are..
Weekend was rather quiet. On Sat went to KK after werk to visit my gd fren and cuzzin who juz gave birth to a beautiful daughter.. Fataniah Adawiyah, the name given to the daughter... beautiful name.. arghhh another baby girl... I long for a girl too but dunno lah .. still no news... Allah knows better when hubby and me are ready for another child..
On Sunday morning went for my driving lesson.. did solid parking yesterday.. my ankles went numb ... I dare say my parking's not that bad .. dunno abt my driving skills though.. haven't had a chance to be analyzed coz that blardy instructor kept harping at me when I drove .. really puts me down.. as though my driving is THAT bad!!!
At werk today was like normal .. busy as always on Mondays..but time flies today .. its already lunch and after lunch without realizing it will soon be time for home!!! Gonna meet up wif Ida for dinner at Banquet Simei today ... yum yum .. not that hungry really but juz looking for an opportunity to hang out wif a gerlfren!!
Wistful for Love
12:34 PM
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7 days and 7 nights of thunder...
The water's rising and I'm slipping under..
I think I fell in love with the 8th world wonder....
These are lyrics from a song "the 8th world wonder" by Kimberly Locke I like this verse.. I seem to have forgotten how it was like to be so immensely in love with someone.How does it feel like? Is it like the wat Kimberly is describing in her song?
I recall that I didn't feel so madly in love my hub .. not that intense I mean...
But I do recall being so madly in love with someone... Someone who made me feel so special and every minute away from him was such tremendous torture. I remembered we could spend the whole day just sitting by the beach and laugh and joke and talk about everything under the sun.. Alas, we both knew the relationship would bring us nowhere..I remembered I cried when we had to go our separate ways forcibly.. He had his own life to lead and I had mine..For us to be together would mean the heartbreak of so many other people .. sigh.. if we had met under any other circumstances, I pretty sure we would have been such a great couple..How I wished I could rekindle that kinda feelings...
***Wherever you are,I wish you all the happiness in the world and hopefully you would have already met someone special and have what we had***
Wistful for Love
6:26 PM
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Hoorayyyy .. I finally did my own bloggin revampzz... wif a lil guide from my frenz of coz..erkekekkeke soooo happy I finally did it on my own...
Hmm been so engrossed in revamping my blog I almost missed A.I. Can't miss The O.C. after this.. actually The O.C. is more for teenagers siah.. more like when I was in school and the hip show then were Beverly Hills 90210 or Melrose's Place.. dunno why but I'm hooked on The O.C. ... so far I haven't missed an episode..
I guess by watching The O.C., I dun really feel tat old or like such an outcast anymore.. Since school I haven't been in the "IN" or "HIP" group.. I won't consider myself a NERD but .. hmm dunno lah .. I felt like I kept more to myself even though I mixed wif a number of groups.. so I can consider myslef flexible enuff to mingle wif all kinds??
Till now I fnd it hard to blend in wif a certain group and be "HIP".My motto has always been "Why bother wat others say or think as long as u r true to urself" Right??
P.S. Baby's still having a cough and phelgm but no fever for 3 days now .. and he's starting to eat!! I'm soooo happy..today must be my lucky day!!!
Wistful for Love
10:38 PM
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hoorayyyyy ..my baby's on the road to recovery!!! His fever hasn't shown up from yesterday although he's still very cranky... I'm so glad i took such a long leave to take care of him..although my werk might be in jeopardy,it was all worth it to see him recover under my care...
he's still very attached to me ..clinging onto me every minute...sigh tiring though but alas he's baby and I love him soooooooo much ... gotto get ready..need to bring my mum to the docs.now its her turn !!! sigh when will I ever rest??
Wistful for Love
12:55 PM
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Arghhh .. so tired... my baby's sick cince he came back from his granny's .. high fever of 38.3 going up and down .. he's been very cranky and so clingy .. i'm so tired ... attending to his every needs ..
luckily he sleeps soundly at night ... sigh very tired .. but its reassuring to see that he's so reliant on me and that he looks for me in kinda situation even I have some people who dun think so and that my son will look for them rather than his own mum!!!
Wistful for Love
8:44 PM
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Its been raining since morning... and so heavily somemore... tot i could catch up on my housewerk since i am on leave!! but the rain dampened my mood and enthuasism...
anyway was chatting wif some frens the other nite and we were talking abt romance in a relationaship throughout.. from courtship to marriage.. how many couples you know has tat?? i mean to be romantic all the way from bf-gf till death do us part?? I dun eman romantic as in soooo lovey dovey.. THEN!!! i watched the movie 50 first dates!! awwwww its was soooo sweeeeeettttt !!!
This lady who has short term memory syndrom will forget all that has happened the day before including this guy who patiently tries to wins over her heart day after after .. so each day is like the beginning of their relationshiop .. and each time they kiss, its like the first time!! how sweet is that??? And its darn funny to .. its a romantic comedy ....
I really needed that show to help me remember the times when me and hubby first met .. now?? sigh we are slowly drifting into our own world.. its so hard to communicate anymore ...
Wistful for Love
1:16 PM
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Whoa .. yipeee on leave today ...
Met up wif moi two good mates Yan and Lilac yesterday after werk... had dinner ,did some shopping for Lilac then we sat and chatted like nobody's business.. been a long time since i've done that and it was fun and refreshing ... esp since I haven't met up wif Lilac for some time!!!
Hey Lilac! We should do it again sometime soon!! We really needed the break huh?? The next time we should dedicate a whole day to ourselves, going to the movies, going for a makeover and all those girlie stuff huh??
Was fun not having to think about the family for while.. we bitched and gossiped(Hey, wats a get together session without some gossip rite??) Juuuuuu ...quickly come back and join us!!!!
Wistful for Love
1:47 AM
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